Lessons from Reality TV: Nice Guys Don't Get Cast

From The Real Housewives of Atlanta to Honey Boo-Boo, reality TV is here to stay. What can we learn from some of television's most guilty pleasures?

If a nice guy or girl manages to get cast, rest assured they will be booted out in the first few episodes. Unless, of course, they are fodder for the angry, manipulative, or evil characters. In that case they'll stay around a while.

Underhanded, unethical behavior and dirty tricks will get you far. This makes for good TV but in real life, no one ones to run across this type of shady individual. On shows like The Apprentice and Survivor,  they call it strategy: making and breaking alliances, under-performing on someone else's project, using teammates to get ahead with no regard or respect for them as people. On shows like The Real Housewives, Jersey Shore and Love and Basketball, materialistic, catty and self-centered behavior is a given. Of course, this is how people behave.

I would be lying if I said that these behaviors never worked in the real world. The fact of the matter is that some times they do. Everyone has worked with the person who takes credit for another co-worker's work, or the one who schemes behind your back to get their way. And most of us know someone who would throw their own mother under a bus if the price were right.

However, is this the type of behavior we really should be rewarding? As our kids watch these shows, is this the type of behavior we want them to emulate - win at any cost and to hell with other people as long as you get what you want? For many people, seeing something on TV, especially repeatedly on TV, is an endorsement of sorts. It gives value to those behaviors as if to say, "This is how people really act. If just a few people acted this way, we wouldn't put it on television."

When it comes to children and teens, I think these shows can be a jumping off point for a discussion about how people in real life should behave and what consequences these kinds of actions generate for people who live their lives off camera.

On Reality TV, nice guys and girls might not finish dead last but they usually don't win either. In real life, it isn't always about winning, it's about living. And in the game of life, they normally do pretty well.

Lessons from The Great Gatsby

I love movies! In fact I write movie reviews on one of my other blogs. Over the weekend, I saw The Great Gatsby. I was really looking forward to it as this is one of my favorite books of all time. Leonardo DiCaprio does a fantastic job as Gatsby a man smitten with the notion of winning the heart of Daisy Buchanan. In fact, he wants to erase the five years of war and marriage and bootlegging that has come between him However, his new friend and neighbor warns him that “You can’t recreate the past.” To which Gatsby responds, “Can’t recreate the past? … Why of course you can!”

Unfortunately Gatsby finds out that you really can’t recreate the past. You can’t recreate it. You cannot return to it. You cannot relive it. No amount of money or time or force of will will bring it back. So what can we learn from Jay Gatsby.

You cannot spend the present trying to recreate the past. How many of us live a life of regret, trying to make up for past mistakes and missteps? We think, “If only” or “I should’ve” Everyone thinks those thoughts once in a while but when they begin to consume the better part of your days, you are getting into trouble. The scary part is that one day you’ll wake up and see all the time you lost and will never be able to get back.

Was the past even the past? Some people say hindsight is 20/20 and I guess it does have that sort of clarity when you can look back and see your mistakes and review your decisions and actions with maturity and an emotional distance that only time can bring. However, when you look at the past through distorted rose-colored glasses, it is anything but 20/20. The past is made up of memories and thoughts. Memories and thoughts are never objective; they are always seen through our own very specific filters. 

Just like you can’t see through another person’s prescription glasses, none of us look at the same events the same way. We all have fond memories and things we’d rather forget. Yet with time, those fond memories can become idyllic illusions and the dark memories can become darker and denser. Were the good old days really that good? Were there a few bright moments during those dark times?

Learn to Let It Go. However, good or bad, the past is the past. There are no time machines or do overs. Some wounds leave scars but a scar is never as bad as the actual injury was. As adults, we have a responsibility to ourselves and those in our lives, to heal those wounds as best we can. However, we need to keep our good memories in perspective as well. In some cases, we make monuments of people and events from our past and nothing can ever compete with those images. You compare your great past love to every other man (or woman) you meet conveniently forgetting his faults and idiosyncrasies in the process. The time that separates us from our past lives is usually a good thing.

The past is history … our personal histories. We can learn from it and take those lessons into our present but that is all we can really do with it.

Want to know what I thought about the movie? Read my review at www.divasoulsista.blogspot.com. 

Lessons from Reality TV: It's NOT All About You...

From The Real Housewives of Atlanta to Honey Boo-Boo, reality TV is here to stay. What can we learn from some of television's most guilty pleasures?

Nothing is more beautiful than a bride walking down the aisle on her wedding day. Of course, if you are a fan of Bridezillas and Say Yes to the Dress, you know that a bride can be awfully selfish and downright ugly when it comes to planning her big day.

Lesson #2: Sometimes it isn't all about you
The number of women who end up divorcing shortly after having their 'perfect' day is shocking but sadly expected. Well, after watching the tantrums and fits these women exhibit, seeing a divorce on the horizon isn't really shocking. What shocks me is that someone actually proposed to these women and entertained the thought of spending a life with one of them!

True, a wedding is referred to as the bride's special day. I get that. Yet, I don't think that means that they have the right to make everyone else's life a living hell in the process. A wedding is one day, a marriage should be for a lifetime. Yet, a lot of these women can't see pass the dress to get to the rest.

Once again, on reality television, immaturity rules the day. It's fun to watch dramatic train wrecks and meltdowns. In real life, it isn't so much fun. Children want what they want when they want it and overreact when they don't get it. As adults, we should know better.

So what are the lessons we can learn from brides behaving badly?

Don't put excessive demands on others. You want the moon and the sky from everyone around you but behave as if you are wallowing in dirt. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and make a request that they should be able to handle without any undo burden. If it is your dream and your goal, be willing to work with them to achieve the result you want.

Be sweet, not sour. Remember, you get more bees with honey than vinegar. Making your request in a way that is respectful and pleasant will get you further than screaming will. Well, screaming might get you the desired effect, but you'll be burning bridges and damaging relationships in the process.

Be considerate of others. When it comes to a wedding, the family, friends and dare I say, the groom, want to share in the brides happiness. Allow people to share in your happiness when possible. Honestly, how happy will your happy day be if you've made everyone else miserable.This applies doubly for a wedding but it applies to other areas as well.

Lessons from Reality TV: No Fighting!

From The Real Housewives of Atlanta to Honey Boo-Boo, reality TV is here to stay. What can we learn from some of television's most guilty pleasures.

I am a television junkie; but when it comes to reality TV, I mainly stick to music competitions (The Voice American Idol) and anything with celebrity chef and rage-aholic Gordon Ramsey (Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, Hotel Hell, ...). Yet for a lot of people the lurk of personal train wrecks is positively addicting. So this May, the Monday series is devoted to mining what good and positive lessons we can find out of hours of bad behavior.

Lesson #1: No fighting. Keep your hands to yourself!
I'm 44 years old. I haven't been in a fight since elementary school. Yet, grown women on reality shows routinely resort to violence or otherwise childish behavior to solve problems. They slap, punch, spit, and turn over tables. They yell, scream, get in each other's faces and use language that would make your grandma blush (if not just pass out altogether). Ladies, and I'm using the term very loosely, is this any way for adults to act? Shockingly, most of these women are mothers to boot.

These kind of antics might make for good TV but they wouldn't fly in the real world where that behavior is  called assault. Police get called, doctors and paramedics are often involved and in most cases the offender is charged and faces jail time or probation. Definitely not worth it.

Adults should be communicating and solving problems with words and constructive actions. Got a problem? Try on of these techniques in the real world.

• Talk to the person directly. Talk. Don't shout or yell, try not to cry, don't make threats or invade someone's personal space to make your point. Talk.
• Work towards a compromise that both parties can live with. Compromise means that both people are willing to meet the other half way. The parties make concessions for the sake of keeping the peace. 
• If you are wrong, admit it. Apologize and mean it.

Granted, watching a show where people act like real adults wouldn't be nearly as fun as the latest row between Phaedra and Kenya on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. But that kind of drama is best left on the small screen.

Get Happy

In any given day, you run a gamut of emotions. You are grouchy in the morning. You are annoyed and impatient with the traffic or the super slow driver in front of you. You get upset with a coworker who isn't pulling his weight on the project and tries to take credit for your work. You laugh at something funny the kid or the pet did.

Happiness isn't found in day, week, or month increments. It comes from in the form of moments. The trouble with moments is that they tend to be fleeting. By the time we realize it, it's gone, often replaced by something annoying, confusing, infuriating or kind of sad.  So how can we learn to appreciate the happiness we have?

• Recognize the transient nature of happiness. It packs light because it won't stay long.
• Savor the happiness you have. Take a moment to take it all in. Be fully present in those moments.
• Let go of the mundane trivial emotions. You can't change the traffic so why let it get to you? Put on some music you love, call a fun friend and turn traffic into a happy moment.
• Handle what you can and then let it go. Confront your co-worker or let your manager know who did the work. After you've done something about it, sometimes you can let it go (other times it might get worse, but, hey, that happens).
• Seek happiness by spending some time each day with people you enjoy and doing things that are enjoyable. 

Try to bring as many smiles into your life each day as you can!

Empower Yourself: Lesson #5 - Play to Your Strengths, Handle Your Weaknesses

In this five-week series, we will look at what you can do to empower yourself and take control of your life. Remember, "If it's going to be, it's up to me!"

Math isn't my thing ... not at all. About the only things I can do mathematically are figure out how to double a recipe or halve it (and even then the thirds give me trouble) and figure out how much I'm getting off of a sale item in the store. Anything else, I can't do. In fact, if you look closely, I'm probably moving my lips or counting on my fingers if I can't find a calculator.

I am, however, a writer. I can sit down and write with no prompting. I don't have notes when I sit down to write these posts. I just think of a topic and start writing (excuse the grammar ... that too is not my thing!). Next to writing, I love performance and presentation. I like, dare I say, love public speaking. Whereas a lot of people dread it, I'm energized by it.

I've developed a career around what I love to do and what I'm good at. These are my strengths. As a corporate trainer and instructional designer, I write manuals, job aids and other documentation. Standing in front of a class to teach is a performance (and if you have been a student in one of my classes, you know what I am talking about!).

My degree is in broadcast journalism - a perfect combination of writing and performing. I've worked in corporate communications where I have written profusely. I've even written screenplays, done public speaking and even some acting. Of course, blogging is a major hobby of mine.

I have build a career around my strengths and I can truly say that I love what I do. It gives me a lot of satisfaction to spend my days and earn a paycheck by using my strengths. When it comes to professional and personal development, I choose to focus on things that will make my strengths stronger.

This is not to say that I ignore my weaknesses. I am realistic enough to know that math will never be a strength so I don't devote as much time to it as I do to my strengths. I build strengths and manage weaknesses. When I work on a project that involves math, I know which co-workers have that strength and I get their help. I am able to take care of some basic skills life skills that involve math (balancing a checkbook, determining how much change I should be getting back). For more complicated matters, I have friends that I turn to for help and advice on money matters and financial issues (an extension of my math weakness).

The important thing to remember is that time, talent and energy are resources that are not in an infinite supply. We have a certain amount of all of them. When it comes to my strengths, I want to invest the majority of my time and energy in those things. It wouldn't be a great use of my time or talents if I devoted myself to becoming a math whiz. I devote enough attention to my weaknesses that they do not become problems, and that is all.

Look Up! Look Down! Look Around!

Look up! Look down! Look around! Most of the time, we focus on what is directly in front of us - moving through the world with blinders on. We see only what is right ahead of us - the goal, the end game. Yet, when we do that, we miss a lot.

This concept is often taken metaphorically. Stop the singular focus on the goal long enough to experience life. Look up! Be grateful for all that you have (and you have a lot more than you think). Look down! See the little kids and enjoy your time with them because soon they won't be so little anymore. Look around! See your partner, your family and your friends. Savor the moment.

However, I'm also speaking in very literal terms. Look up! See the stars in the sky, a beautiful sunset, the funny shapes the clouds make. I have seen double rainbows and moon halos that others missed just because I looked up. I have seen some incredible things just by moving my neck in another direction.

Look down! See the flowers and the beautiful array of shells at the beach. Watch a raindrop as it spreads through a puddle. See the tire tracks and footprints in the fresh snow.

Look around! When you are driving to work or walking through a parking lot, when you are walking the dog or taking out the garbage, look around and be aware of your surroundings. Wave at a passing car, have a short conversation with a neighbor. Look around your living room at see the trinkets and keepsakes and furniture you've picked out.

Life in all of its glory is going on around us all the time. Stop. Look. Appreciate.