Lose the Excuses!

Great Expectations

2012-02-02T06:05:00.008-05:00

A few years out of college, I was working as a news producer/anchor at a small radio station. I was asked to speak to a group of high schoolers for career day. Several of them balked at my modest success. They were destined for greater things. They laid out their plans for me: go to college, get a job at the college station, graduate, ease into a morning or afternoon drive slot on a major radio.

When great expectations are also unrealistic expectations, frustration and disappointment are the outcome. There is nothing that says those kids couldn’t end up as major market deejays, but it was going to take work, sacrifice discipline and time. It wouldn’t always be easy and it wouldn’t always be fun.

Great expectations require great effort.

Some people who harbor great expectations expect a lot but don’t expect to do a lot to get it. They often believe in the myth of the Overnight Success. It sounds great … the starlet that was ‘discovered’ in the coffee shop, the inventor who made a million off of his simple gadget, the basketball phenom. The only problem is the Myth of the Overnight Success is just that, a myth.

Ask any Overnight Success and they will tell you that their success occurred over many nights, often years of nights. They had sleepless nights wondering how the bills would be paid, after they sunk all of their savings into the business. They had nights on just an hour or two of sleep because their work had them waking up early and staying up late. They spent nights tossing and turning because they lost the game or got cut from the team or didn’t get called back after the audition. Yet they preserved, they kept going and eventually, they became Overnight Successes!

For me, great expectations also require a great deal of gratitude. Gratitude gives perspective. Gratitude keeps one grounded in the now. Gratitude allows you to be thankful for what you already have. Without it, those with great expectations don’t see all of the blessings that surround them. They stay transfixed on the pie in the sky and don’t see the feast spread out before them.

Expect the best. Put forth the effort and do the work. Be grateful for what you have and the people you meet along the way. You'll be a success (maybe not overnight, but you will succeed)!

Looking Good Now

2012-01-30T06:05:00.001-05:00

It was a rough couple of years. First there was unemployment, then there was work stress and financial stress and on top of all of that (I suspect) hormonal imbalances to boot. Basically, I’ve packed on the pounds.

I’m working hard at losing the weight but I’m finding that at 43 it’s not quite as easy as it used to be. What’s a girl to do? I work out. I eat less. I’ve eaten mini-meals throughout the day. I’ve starved myself. I’d drank enough water to grow gills. It’s been, and continues to be, a long and frustrating process.

I look in the mirror and wonder, “What happened to Karyn??? She’s disappeared under a sea of fat!” I don’t feel attractive. I don’t feel confident. I certainly don’t feel sexy. And despite my shopaholic tendencies I don’t feel like shopping either. I don’t want to buy clothes in my current size. I don’t want to be relegated to the ‘Womans’ section or Lane Bryant. I want my old body back or a reasonable facsimile.

It’s gotten so bad that I have practically worn out the few fitting clothes I have. I've had no choice but to do a little shopping. So one afternoon, I reluctantly ventured into Ross and approached my size. I headed into the dressing room with a sense of dread, my head hung low. I tried on what I’d picked out and I was horrified … not just by the size but by the unconscious transformation. I picked out frumpy, style-less, bland clothes. When I looked in the mirror, I felt less like me than I ever had before. I heard the ringing. This was my wake-up call.

I am changing. This is true. I am working on losing. I will not be this size and this weight forever. However, I need clothes now and I need to look good in those clothes now. I need those clothes to be a true reflection of me regardless of the size. So I came out of the dressing room handed the stack of bland clothes to the sales lady and made another pass at the racks.

This time I went for bright, rich and vibrant colors, not just the depressing blacks, grays and browns. I was able to find clothes that had more shape and style, not ill-fitting shapeless mumus. When I made the second trip to the dressing room, I fared better. I saw in my reflection clothes that not just fitted but reflected the woman that I am – funny, quirky and upbeat.

I got tons of compliments on two of the sweaters I’d picked out. It felt good, like I had recaptured part of myself I’d let go. I hadn’t realized how much weight had impacted my life. I had stopped feeling good about myself on the inside and it showed on the outside. I promised myself that day in that dressing rooom that it was going to stop.

The destination is important but so is the journey. So on the way to weight loss, I plan on looking and feeling my best. I owe it to myself.

Hurry Up and Wait

2012-01-26T06:05:00.004-05:00

When it comes to my work as a trainer and as a life coach, I have the patience of Job. I can go over the same topic again and again and again until a student or client gets it. I can wait until they experience that magical ‘Aha!’ moment when it all comes together. Personally, however, I am as impatient as they come. I don’t want to wait. Ever. For example, when the traffic light turns green, I blast through it leaving the other cars in the dust. Waiting is not my forte.

Yet, I pay a high price for my impatience. I pay that price in the currency of frustration and mistakes made out of haste. I wish I could apply the patience I show professionally, and even personally with others, to myself. When it comes to patience I am definitely a work in progress.

When I am tempted to react impatiently, I try to take a breath and think about all of the times that waiting has paid off. I think about the times I ended up with something better than what I wanted. After my car broke down, I spent a year in a half in a 20-year old car with no air conditioning and no radio. I was miserable in the summer months! I wanted a new car! Yet, after 18-months, I ended up not with the car I wanted but the car that was one grade up from that. Waiting paid off.

I also think about all the times I ended up grateful that I didn’t get what I wanted at the time or when I got what I wanted and would have been better off waiting. I remember jumping into a relationship because I felt I was ready for one. So I jumped into one with the wrong person. Clearly, I’d have been better off if I had wanted and not jumped at the first guy that came along.

I also realize that if I have time to be impatient, I’m probably not focusing on the right thing. Usually, there are some things I can be doing to improve myself, my situation or my outcome. Impatience in those cases is a sign that my focus is off.

Time spent in impatience is time wasted.

On the Way to Milk and Honey

2012-01-23T06:05:00.004-05:00

We had a guest pastor in church a few weeks ago. Guest pastors are like a box of assorted chocolates, you never know who you are going to get. He was great, though. Personable, engaging and funny. So I have to tell you that this blog got its impetus in his sermon.

He talked about the Promised Land, a land described as the Land of Milk and Honey. This was nothing new but it was what he said next that set his sermon a part. He said that cows make milk and bees make honey. Again, nothing new here. BUT, he continued, just as cows make milk they make a whole lot of other *stuff* and just as bees make honey, they also sting.

Basically, if you want to get to the milk and honey, you're going to have to walk through a lot of stuff and endure a lot of stings!

He said, the only way to get to the milk and honey is to go through the stuff and the stings. You see, most of us, recoil and take a big step back, when we get a whiff of the stuff or feel the first sting, but if we want the milk and honey we have to keep moving through the stuff and stings.

We need to remember that the milk and honey are on the other side - that goal, that motivation - should keep us moving forward.

Whatever you are going through right now remember that the only way to get to the milk and honey is to keep moving. The only way to get through it is to go through it!

Disengage the AutoPilot

2012-01-19T06:05:00.001-05:00

All of us, at one point or another, have driven to work, school or even home and realized when we got there that we really didn't know how we did it. In other words, we do it so often that it's second-nature. It's rote. We do it without even thinking about it. We made that drive with the autopilot on.

It's not so bad. We travel that route over and over again. It's natural that we stop thinking about it.

What about autopilot for our lives? We get up, we get dressed, we go to work, we come home, we eat, we watch TV or get on the computer, we go to bed. We travel that route over and over again. Of course, it's natural that we stop thinking about it… only it's not.

Kids grow up quickly. We seem to age overnight. If we aren't careful, we'll blink and realize that years have gone by and we barely even noticed it. Relationships come and often they go with the good times becoming faint memories and the bad times remaining vivid and strong. Life happens whether we are watching it or not, whether we are ready or not. We don't have the luxury of autopilot. We need to be present and focused every day. We must live every day … and live it fully.

One of the security guards at my job died over the weekend. I will miss her terribly. Hers is the first face I remember even before I started her a year and a half ago. She greeted me with a smile on both of my interviews. When I came in early to take my badge photo, she made me laugh, and that is why I'm smiling so broadly on my photo. She was at that front desk every day until Christmas. None of us knew how sick she was until the very end.

I'm sure just about everyone in a building of over 600 people has a Barbara story. I have tons. She was a woman who had an infectious laugh and a quick sense of humor. She remembered faces and names and had a kind word for everyone. She didn't live on autopilot. She was present every day, experiencing life in its fullness and touching lives everywhere she went. We should all be so lucky.

The Five-Minute Challenge

2012-01-16T06:05:00.001-05:00

I bet you didn't know this but January is National Organization Month. It kind of makes sense because at the beginning of the year a lot of people want to start off strong and that requires some organization.

I think the main reason most people aren't organized is because of the time commitment they assume is involved. Since they don't have a weekend, day or even a solid hour to organize then they forgo organization all together.

However, this is an area where a little bit of time can make a big difference, let me prove it to you. Here is the challenge. For the next two weeks, I want you to spend five minutes on twoareas where a lot of people need help.

At Work
Spend five minutes a day sorting through your emails. Here's a tip - do not delete them in date order! That is the way you want to receive emails (so new messages are always on top, but to delete messages quickly sort them by Sender. This way you can delete all of your Daily Horoscope messages at once! You can also arrange them in size order so the largest emails rise to the top. Considering saving large attachments and then deleting the message.

If you want to, on the weekend, take a stab at clearing out your personal inbox.

If everything is organized and you run out of time ... try your Sent Items. Almost no one deletes old sent messages!

At Home
Spend five minutes a day in your closet. Have a box on hand for clothes you want to donate. If you finish the clothes in the closet, move on to shoes and then if you are on a roll, the drawers in your dresser.

Five minutes is the commitment. If you're on a roll and have time to do more but if you accept this challenge you can do no less than five minutes.

A little time each day over several days can make a big difference. Trust me. Try it. You'll be pleasantly surprised!

Salsa, Anyone?

2012-01-12T06:05:00.002-05:00

It’s not really a resolution but I have promised myself that this year I’m going to make an effort to get out of the house. I have a full-time job and I blog and write in the evenings. So, I have developed a very bad habit of going to work and going home. It’s gone from being routine to being a rut. I’ve known for a while that I needed to do something, but as we all know knowing and doing are two different things!

In 2012, I’m going to do. I belong to several Meet-Up groups (through www.meetup.com) yet, I couldn’t remember the last time I actually attended an event. I revisited the site and retooled my membership. Deleting inactive groups and finding a few new ones. Since my meet-ups are based on my interests (photography, dancing, hiking, socializing) then there is no reason why I shouldn’t go.

The problem was getting over the inertia. I think getting started with anything is the hardest part. We are creatures of comfort and we, as human beings, seem to resist change, even when it’s good for us. Whether it’s a diet, a new software application or a procedure that’s changed at work, we like the old way.

As a life-long list maker, one way I get over the inertia is to put it in my Blackberry as a task. I love checking off a task and it nags at me when I can’t! In the past, I’ve just not put social events on my task list or calendar. If it’s not there, I can’t check it off! So, I’ve started adding those events to my planner process.

The first item on my list – line dancing class – was Wednesday night at 7:00. Normally, that’s when I’m settling in to being home. Now, in order to go to class, I had to eat dinner early, change into workout clothes, leave the house again, in the cold, and drive over 20 minutes to get there. The old me would have passed. This time I made myself go.

It was worth it. I danced. I laughed. I had fun. I had a lot more fun than I would have had cocooned in my house, wrapped in my writing sweater with the dog lurking somewhere in the background.

I really wanted to keep the momentum going so the next night, I met with another meet-up group for dinner at a restaurant I'd wanted to try. The food was okay but the conversation was great.

The hardest part is getting started but I think that after you have had some success or in my case fun it gets easier. Next on my list: meeting with the photography meet-up, Zumba class and salsa lessons!

The Focused Fifteen

2012-01-09T06:05:00.000-05:00

It is my philosophy that anybody can do just about anything for 15 minutes. You will almost always be surprised at what you can accomplish is a quarter of an hour.

It really isn't a lot of time. You can watch half a sitcom in 15 minutes. You're commute to work is probably longer. Yet, if you give a focused 15 minutes, you will see results. Notice the word in italics, focused. I'm not talking about 15 multi-tasking minutes when you are checking email, cooking dinner, and listening to voicemail. I'm talking about devoting that little bit of time exclusively to the task at hand whatever that task may be.

For me, the Focused Fifteen is the antidote to procrastination. If there is something I don't want to do, like, straighten up the house, return a phone call, or on some occasions, write, I reach for the timer. I set my kitchen stove timer for 15 minutes. For that time, I clean or make the call or I start writing. At the end of the 15 minutes, I have a choice. I can stop because I have done what I said I was going to do. Or if I have the momentum and the time, I can keep going.

Fifteen minutes is long enough to overcome your inertia and get a good start. It's also enough time to make a dent in a project and sometimes that dent is all you need. I actually swear by this. It works. I'm so committed to it that my first Get It Together Girl book is devoted to removing clutter and getting organized in 15 minutes a day.

Try it. Use the Focused Fifteen for:

straighting up the house
cleaning out the refrigerator
clearing out your email inbox at home or at work
sorting through your closet
journaling

All you have to do is 15 minutes. Once that timer goes off, you'll feel an immediate sense of accomplishment. If you have the time, keep going. If you don't, pat yourself on the back because you did something (and probably more than you thought you would). And, doing something is always better than doing nothing.

If you want to see some real results, get the family involved. Put on some good music and see who gets the most done. Or set your quarter hour for the 15 minutes before your favorite TV show and you have a built-in reward!

Let's Do It Together!

2012-01-05T06:05:00.006-05:00

I love setting resolutions. Only , I prefer to call them goals. To me, a resolution is something you want to do, not necessarily something you seriously want to do. A goal has structure, it has a plan. Last year, I achieved several goals. I made a big dent in my debt, I read the entire Bible, I wrote two new Get It Together Girl workbooks. However, I didn't lose the weight and that was a big one for me (no pun intended).

For 2012, I am doing something new and I would love it if you would join me. I'm going to periodically share my progress on my goals with you here in this blog. If you'd like, you can share your goals here and add comments on your progress, when I post my status updates.

I used the process outlined in my own goal-setting workbook; I set three goals and charted a plan for achieving them. Here they are.

1. Lose 50 pounds.
2. Pay off two loans.
3. Write another Get It Together Girl workbook and work at promoting the entire series.

I started on January 1st. I met a co-worker and we went for an hour-long walk. I got the name of a credit advisor from a good friend who has used his services. I also began outlining my next workbook. When you set your goals, try to start working on them immediately. Get your momentum going.

If you are setting resolutions for yourself, comment below about what your resolutions are. If you aren't setting resolutions, hopefully, you'll be interested in seeing how we are doing in reaching our goals.

Here are some tips for great goal-setting:
1. Set no more than 3 goals total.
2. Make a plan for how you will achieve your goal.
3. Make a Plan B for what you'll do when you encounter an obstacle.

So what are your top 2012 resolutions? Will you join me on this journey?

A Legacy of Anger

2012-01-02T06:05:00.001-05:00

A few days ago I stopped to pick up a salad for lunch. The drive-thru line was long so I decided to go in. It was just as busy inside. I waited in line behind a group of young boys (about 12 -13). We ended up waiting for our orders together. As the boys got their food, one boy felt slighted. You see, the server failed to give him the cup for his drink.

He indignantly told his friends. “They’re trying to cheat me! He didn’t give me a cup for my drink!” He went back up to the counter and, in an accusatory tone, told the harried server that he hadn’t gotten his drink. Without hesitation, the man behind the counter quickly apologized and handed him his cup. Hardly the behavior of someone who was trying to get over on someone else.

Feeling vindicated, the young man snatched the cup and went to fill it.

It took everything within me, not to say something to him. Maybe I should have. As I left, I wondered where he learned that kind of behavior – to assume the worst, to play the victim and to treat someone so rudely at such a young age? Chances are he learned it at home.

When we talk about the legacy we want leave our children, we talk about life insurance, a successful business or some sort of financial windfall. However, the legacy we truly leave is a lot deeper and more pervasive than money.

The mental, emotional and intellectual lessons we teach our children will be the determining factors in the adults they become; how they live their lives, the choices they make and ultimately what they will pass on to their kids.

This boy was taught to assume the worst. People were out to cheat him, to take from him, make a fool of him. The way he snatched that cup, it didn’t seem like he’d been taught to be polite or cordial. He was angry and he had to learn that somewhere.

Kids listen to what adults say and they watch what they do. If we consistently respond with anger, indignation and suspicion, then we can’t expect our kids to do behave any differently. I’ve heard parents cursing, arguing and just exhibiting all sorts of bad behavior in front of their kids as if it doesn’t matter. It does. It makes a difference.

“Do as I say and not as I do” doesn’t work. Kids will do what you do. Forget about what you say.

If you consistently talk about how your race/gender/... is holding you back, then you child will grow up feeling defeated.

If you constantly maintain dysfunctional relationships or badmouth your partner (or their other parent), your child will grow up feeling that that kind of behavior is the basis for adult relationships.

If you don’t show compassion for others and help them when you are able, can you really be surprised when they grow up to lack compassion or behave selfishly?

If gratitude is a foreign concept for you, it will be foreign to your child as well.

The sad thing is that children are malleable. Parents mold, shape and guide them. I have to say, it scares me sometimes when I think of the shape some of these children are being molded into and where they are ultimately being guided.

New Year's Trivia and Fun Facts

2011-12-29T06:05:00.002-05:00

Okay, we did holiday trivia last week, so let's ring in the New Year with some more fun!

The celebration of the new year is the oldest of all holidays. It was first observed in ancient Babylon about 4000 years ago.
According to the National Insurance Crime Bureau, more vehicles are stolen on New Year's Day than on any other holiday throughout the year.
It is thought that the first visitors you see after ringing in the New Year would bring you good or bad luck, depending on who you keep as friends and enemies. Keep your friends close and your enemies far away!
Many cultures believe that anything in the shape of a ring is good luck, because it symbolizes "coming full circle," completing a year's cycle. For that reason, the Dutch believe that eating donuts on New Year's Day will bring good fortune.
Celebrating New Year on January 1 is purely arbitrary, as neither it has agricultural significance nor astronomical. Many countries still celebrate it in spring, the season of rebirth of new crops.
The Time Square New Year's Eve Ball came about as a result of a ban on fireworks. The first ball, in 1907, was an illuminated 700-pound iron and wood ball adorned with one hundred 25-watt light bulbs. Today, the round ball designed by Waterford Crystal, weighs 11,875-pounds, is 12 feet in diameter and is bedazzled with 2,668 Waterford crystals.
January has been named after God Janus (Latin word for door), in the Roman calendar. Janus is the God with two faces, one looking backwards and one forward, at the same time and marks the ‘spirit of the opening’
Due to wartime restrictions, the New Year's Eve ball was not lowered in 1942 and 1943.
Throughout the year, visitors to Times Square in New York City write their New Year's wishes on pieces of official Times Square New Year's Eve confetti. At the end of the year, the wishes are collected and added to the one ton of confetti that showers the crowd gathered in Times Square in celebration of the New Year.
The top three destinations in the United States to ring in the New Year are Las Vegas, Disney World and New York City.
Eating black-eyed peas, ham or cabbage are thought to bring prosperity. However, stay away from bad luck foods like lobsters, because they move backwards, and chicken, because they scratch in reverse. It is believed that eating these on New Year's day might cause a reversal of fortune.
In Colombia, Cuba and Puerto Rico families stuff a life-size male doll called Mr. Old Year with memories of the outgoing year and dress him in old clothes from each family member. At midnight he is set on fire - thus burning away the bad memories of the year.
The tradition of making New Year resolution dates back to the early Babylonians.
According to statistics 40 to 45 percent of American adults make one or more resolutions each year. The top New Year's resolutions include weight loss, exercise, quitting smoking and better money management. By the second week of January, 25 percent of people have abandoned their resolutions.
In Italy and Mexico, people wear red underwear on New Year's Day as a symbol of good luck for the upcoming year.
The Spanish ritual on New Year's eve is to eat twelve grapes at midnight. The tradition is meant to secure twelve happy months in the coming year.
Noisemaking and fireworks on New Year's Eve is believed to have originated in ancient times, when noise and fire were thought to dispel evil spirits and bring good luck.
According to the Mayan calendar, the end of the world will occur on on December 21, 2012 at 11:11(UTC) or 6:11 AM (EST). I guess Prince got it wrong. We shouldn't have partied like it was 1999. We should party like it's 2012!

Best of 2011

2011-12-26T06:05:00.000-05:00

It seems like ages ago, we were gearing up for Thanksgiving. Now, we've made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukkah, you've got a few more days. And, well, if you celebrate Kwanzaa, you're just getting started. However, New Year's Day represents the end of the holiday season. It's less than a week away, so its safe to say that we are in the Holiday Home Stretch.

The stress of the holidays should be winding down, so take some time to take a couple of deep breathes. The hard part is over. Since this is the vacation season, take some time to enjoy yourself. See a movie. Get a massage. Play with some of your new toys.

This is also the time, that we have all of the year in review lists. The Best of 2011. The Worst of 2011. The Biggest Stories or Scandals of 2011. The Biggest Names/Celebrities of 2011. It can be fun to look back. So take some time to make your own personal lists. What were your best moments of 2011? What were your biggest accomplishment.

People's first instinct is to say, "Oh, I don't have any." However, I'm going to call you on that. You do have some victories, successes. Granted, it's not every year that you get married, graduate from school or move into a house, but that doesn't mean you haven't had any accomplishments.

Think about what went well. What made you feel good? When I look back at 2011, here are a few things I look back on.

1. I took an amazing vacation to Edisto Island.
2. I accomplished several major projects at work.
3. I made a significant dent in paying off my debts.
4. I published two Get It Together Girl workbooks and have started on the next one.
5. I had my stylist cut some layers into my hair and I love them!
6. I decided to take Latin dance lessons and I start in January.
7. I stuck to my resolution and I will have read the entire Bible by December 31!
8. I reconnected with a good friend.

I don't really need to do a Worst of 2011 list because, like most people, I am painfully familiar with what didn't go well. If I was going to do this list, it wouldn't focus on mistakes and unpleasant experiences, instead I'd probably list the Top 3 (or 5) Lessons Learned instead. Rehashing the past is no good, the only thing we can do is learn from it.

The important thing here is to focus on your successes because we almost never do that. Let's prepare to go into 2012 positive and ready for an incredible New Year!

Holiday Triva Fun!

2011-12-22T06:05:00.027-05:00

I am a huge trivia buff! So in my last post before Christmas, I wanted to leave you with some fun Christmas facts. Yet, I can’t forget that Hanukah is underway and Kwanzaa begins on Monday. So I’ve included trivia and fun facts for all three celebrations! Feel free to share them over dinner with the family!

Christmas Facts

The word Christmas is Old English, a contraction of Christ's Mass.

Gold-wrapped chocolate coins commemorate St Nicholas who gave bags of gold coins to the poor.

Germany made the first artificial Christmas trees. They were made of goose feathers and dyed green.

Electric lights for trees were first used in 1895.

"It's a Wonderful Life" appears on TV more often than any other holiday movie.

Rudolph was actually created by Montgomery Ward in the late 1930's for a holiday promotion. The rest is history.

The Nutcracker" is the most famous Christmas ballet.

Jingle Bells" was first written for Thanksgiving and then became one of the most popular Christmas songs.

If you received all of the gifts in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas," you would receive 364 gifts.

The poinsettia plant was brought into the United States from Mexico by Joel Poinsett in the early 1800's.

Poinsettias are very poisonous to dogs!

Popular belief holds that 3 wise men visited Bethlehem from the east bearing gifts. However there is no mention in the bible about the number of wise men who visited. The number might come from the fact that three gifts were brought - gold, frankincense and myrrh

The twelve days of Christmas are the days between Christmas Day and Epiphany (6th of January). According to tradition, the days represent the length of time it took for the wise men from the East to visit the manger of Jesus after his birth.

In 1843, "A Christmas Carol" was written by Charles Dickens in just six weeks. “Bah Humbug” was originally “Bah Christmas!”

Christmas became a national holiday in America on June, 26, 1870.

Black Friday is not the busiest shopping day of the year. Although it varies, it usually lands sometime in December, in the days immediately preceding Christmas.

In Greek, X means Christ. That is where the word "X-Mas" comes from. Not because someone took the "Christ" out of Christmas.

Traditionally, Christmas trees are taken down after Epiphany (January 6).

More diamonds are sold around Christmas than any other time of the year.

In Mexico, wearing red underwear on New Year's Eve is said to bring new love in the upcoming year.

At Christmas, it is traditional to exchange kisses beneath the mistletoe tree. In ancient Scandinavia, mistletoe was associated with peace and friendship. That may account for the custom of "kissing beneath the mistletoe".

History of the Candy Cane. It was created in a small Indiana town to symbolize the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy to symbolize the Virgin Birth. The candymaker formed the stick into a “J” to represent the name of Jesus. It can also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd.” He thought the candy was too plain so he stained it with a red stripe to symbolize the blood shed by Christ on the cross.

Hannakah Facts

Chanukah can fall anytime between the middle of November and beginning of January. The exact dates are decided according to the Jewish calendar, which is Lunar-based. The 8-day holiday starts on 25th day of the Jewish month of Kislev.

The candles used for lighting Hanukah Menorah are supposed to burn for at least half an hour after the stars come out.

Placing the menorah in a window, to share the miracle and the celebration with passers bys, is considered to be a very important tradition of the festival.

The festival of Hanukkah has become more commercial with the giving of gifts, due to its proximity to Christmas. Earlier giving gifts was not a part of its tradition.

The nine-branched candelabrum used on a Chanukah is a misnomer; it is actually called a chanukiah. The menorah is actually a seven-branched candelabrum.

Chanukah begins four days before the new moon, which is the darkest night of the Kislev month. The month is close to the winter solstice, which is the longest and darkest month of the year. Like many other faiths, the Jewish holiday of Chanukah brings light in the darkest time of the year.

For most of its history, Hanukkah was a minor holiday. It gained popularity in the late 1800s, eventually becoming one of the most celebrated Jewish holidays in the calendar.

It takes 44 candles all together to observe all the eight nights of the Chanukah festival.

Kwanzaa Facts

Kwanzaa is celebrated daily from December 26 to January 1.

Kwanzaa (Swahili for "fresh fruits") is based on an African harvest festival.

The Karamu, or feast, is held on December 31 and one of the high points of Kwanzaa.

Kwanzaa was created by Maulana Karenga, a professor of black studies at California State University at Long Beach, in 1966. It is a nonreligious celebration of family and social values for African American families.

Gifts are given mainly to children, but must always include a book and a heritage symbol. The book is to emphasize the African value and tradition of learning stressed since ancient Egypt, and the heritage symbol to reaffirm and reinforce the African commitment to tradition and history.

The colors of Kwanzaa are black, red and green as noted above and can be utilized in decorations for Kwanzaa. Also decorations should include traditional African items, i.e., African baskets, cloth patterns, art objects, harvest symbols, etc.

The seven principles of Kwanzaa are: Umoja (Unity), Kujichagulia (Self-Determination), Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility), Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics), Nia (Purpose), Kuumba (Creativity), Imani (Faith).

A Final Holiday Plea

2011-12-19T10:37:00.000-05:00

We are in the home stretch. A week from now Christmas will be over. The gifts will have been opened. The meal will have been eaten. And we'll have approximately 10 months before we start this whole process again! So while you make your final purchases, pack your bags as you get ready to travel to spend time with family or begin preparing for that holiday meal, do one thing for me ... show some goodwill by doing something charitable. Remember the reason for the season and do something kind or generous for someone else.

Call a great aunt or uncle. People say that Christmas is for the children but it can also be a very lonely time for the elderly. While we might remember grandma and grandpa, reach out to other elderly family members that might get overlooked; maybe their kids live in another city, maybe they never had any kids, maybe they are in a hospital or home and don't have a chance to get out. It would make their day if you called, stopped by or even bought them a gift.

Shop for a cause. Take your children out to buy a few toys for kids that are less fortunate and then let the kids go with you as you donate to Toys for Tots, your church toy drive or another charity. Kids are born with a giving nature, give them a chance to nurture it and do something good for another child in the process. Likewise, you can donate some food to a food drive so others can have a yummy Christmas dinner.

Make room for the new by getting rid of the old. Go through your closets and make a pile of clothes you can donate. Do the same for your kids. Donate them to Goodwill, Salvation Army, or other charity.

Start a new tradition. We've got the shopping and gifting down pat. How about starting a new tradition that focuses more on the interpersonal or spiritual aspects of the holidays. You could start attending Christmas Eve service or donating your time at a food bank or other charity. Maybe you want to start a neighborhood Christmas caroling group. You could have a tradition of only discussing positive things at the Christmas table. Maybe you want a Christmas Eve or Christmas Night Game Night where you can all get together and have some family fun.

In the holiday hustle and bustle, remember, the reason for the season.

Is Just Enough Good Enough?

2011-12-15T06:05:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine. She described me as a Type A personality. I disagreed. Yet, as we continued to talk, I realized that we had different definitions of Type A. According to my friend, someone with determination and drive is a Type A. In my mind, a Type A person is someone who is very competitive, unyielding and who has a difficulty being flexible. So I guess using her definition I would be a Type A.

As we continued to talk, she said that I was one of those people who'd always be striving because nothing for me would ever be 'good enough'. I disagreed with that assessment, wholeheartedly ... but it did get me to start thinking about it.

We live in a society that pushes us to do, achieve and have more. Why have a Mazda, if you could have a Mercedes? Sure, you enjoy your job but wouldn't you rather be a manager? Yes, the 27" flat screen is nice but wouldn't you rather have the 40" or even a 60"?

I was late getting into the smartphone craze and my first smartphone was an old bulky Blackberry. When I ran into a problem and took it into T-Mobile, the salesman exclaimed loudly that I was on an 'old' phone. Several other patrons turned and looked at me.

I explained that I had a problem, and I wanted my problem fixed. What I did not want (or need) was a new phone. I wasn't phased. I wasn't embarrassed. I wasn't going to let this kid make me feel bad about my phone!

For me, I'm perfectly fine driving my Mazda and not owning an iPad, iPhone, iPod or iAnything Else. I like my house, I don't need a bigger one. For me, these things are good enough and I don't need, miss or crave anything more.

Yet, there are areas where just enough is not good enough. I want to write more books. I want to sell more books. I want to grow my business. I want to get married. I think there is a lot of room for growth in my career and in my personal life. In these areas, I want more and what I have now is not enough.

So what am I saying?

I'm saying that we need to determine when just enough is good enough and when it's not. And, it goes further than that. If we determine that what we have and where we are is not good enough, then we need to be prepared to roll up our sleeves and work harder, smarter and differently.

I think the disconnect for a lot of us comes when we want more but we aren't willing to do more. In those cases, I think it's important to have a serious conversation with yourself. Basically, you need to decide if what you say you want really is what you want. If it is, you need to find a way to motivate and push yourself to move forward. If you really don't want to put in the work, that's fine too, just accept that truth and learn to be content where you are. There isn't anything wrong with that if you are being true to yourself.

Karyn Cooks: Red Velvet Cheeecake

2011-12-12T06:05:00.004-05:00

I'm a huge fan of Red Velvet Cake. I'm also a huge fan of cheesecake. So when I volunteered to bring a dessert to the office potluck, I set out to find a recipe that would combine my two favorites. The result was positively yummy!

Most of the time, I post quick, easy and healthy recipes here. This one is relatively easy, not quick and definitely not healthy. What the heck, though. It is the holiday season. Besides, the end result is worth it. Plus at Christmas time the red, Red Velvet and the white cream cheese topping make this look absolutely festive!

Ingredients

Preparation

Stir together graham cracker crumbs, melted butter, and 1 tablespoon granulated sugar; press mixture into bottom of a 9-inch springform pan.

Beat 3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese and 1 1/2 cups granulated sugar at medium-low speed with an electric mixer 1 minute. Add eggs and next 6 ingredients, mixing on low speed just until fully combined. Pour batter into prepared crust.

Bake at 325° for 10 minutes; reduce heat to 300°, and bake for 1 hour and 15 minutes or until center is firm. Run knife along outer edge of cheesecake. Turn oven off. Let cheesecake stand in oven 30 minutes. Remove cheesecake from oven; cool in pan on a wire rack 30 minutes. Cover and chill 8 hours.

Beat 1 (3-ounce) package cream cheese and 1/4 cup butter at medium speed with an electric mixer until smooth; gradually add powdered sugar and vanilla, beating until smooth. Spread evenly over top of cheesecake. Remove sides of springform pan. Garnish, if desired.

Recipe courtesy of MyRecipes.com

Resolve ... You've Got It!

2011-12-08T06:05:00.004-05:00

Did you know that less than 50% of Americans set New Year's Resolutions? It's true. For me the word itself is toxic. A resolution to me implies 'wishful thinking'. A resolution is something you make because you think you should and that most people have no real intention of keeping. This is why you can't get into a gym or a Weight Watchers meeting in January or February but by the end of March ... there are no lines at either place!

Personally, I like New Year's. Within the holidays that make up The Holidays, it's my favorite. I love the idea of a new year and a fresh start. I have have some goals that I have managed to accomplish. This year, I eliminated all credit card debt and by December 31, I would have read the entire Bible cover to cover! Of course, some goals have been more difficult (losing weight).

Notice, I called my targets goals and not resolutions. For me, there is a big difference and as a writer and trained journalist, words do matter. A resolution has failure built in. It's a notion, wishful-thinking, a good idea. For me a goal means action. It comes with a plan, milestones and deadlines. A goal means rolling up your sleeves and getting to work.

A few years ago, I developed a goal-setting workshop. During a two-hour session, I guided participants through a process that helped them establish goals that were meaningful to each person. Goals they wanted to achieve and not goals they thought they should achieve (no one accomplishes those!).

We started by looking at the past 12-24 month and pinpointing the highs and lows and what lessons could be extracted from both. Then we took a pass at creating a few (no more than 3 goals). Finally, we created plans for achieving those goals that included a Plan B, milestones and rewards.

If you are interested, you can get a free two-page goal planning worksheet here.

However, I've taken that goal-planning session and transformed it into the third Get It Together Girl book - Get It Together Girl!: Getting to Goal - Your Dreams, Your Desires, Your Way. It's available on Kindle ($1.99), on Nook and paperback ($6.99). If you want to create some compelling goals that you are actually excited to achieve, check them out. You won't regret it.

Hooray for the Holidays!

2011-12-05T06:05:00.044-05:00

We've survived Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Now, during the first full week of December, the Holidays are in full swing. Depending on your faith, we've got Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa and New Year's to make it through!

The past couple have years have been lean ones for me but I've tried not to let a lack of funds hinder my enjoyment of the holidays. I've tried to remind myself that it isn't about the gifts, it's about family and friends. As a Christian, I try to remember the reason for the season has nothing to do with decorated trees, festive lights and how many gifts I get or give.

Yet, although I'm going into this season a little more financially sound, I'm also going to try to use some of the lessons I've learned through several years of belt-tightening, to remain financially grounded.

Here are a few of my lessons learned:

The Little List: I scaled back on the gift-giving and do you know what? No one that was left off of my revised list was offended or upset. In fact, when I brought up the idea of passing on the gift exchange most of them were relieved. A dreaded sense of obligation is definitely a downer when it comes to spreading holiday cheer.

Fabulous Friends: A dinner out with friends or better yet a day of shopping together for our families is a great way to spend time, create memories and not break the bank.

Calling Cards: In the evenings on my way home from work, I started calling distant friends and families and wishing them Happy Holidays. We got to laugh and joke and catch up. A personal call beats a generic holiday letter any day. If I send cards, then I do a few every evening and make sure each one contains a personalized message from me to the person I'm sending it to.

Cash is King: This one is easy for me because I don't have kids. If I can't pay for it in cash, I don't get it. This goes for gifts I give to others and gifts I give to myself. If I was going to use credit, I would only use it after I had exhausted all of my cash and I would try not to spend more than I could pay off in two months. If you can't have an all-cash Christmas this year, work towards it for next year. Starting in January, open a Christmas account and start squirreling away a little bit every month so next year Cash can be King, and credit cards can be banished.

Give Back: Try at some point this holiday season to do something good for someone else. I go through my house and I get rid of old clothes, unused kitchen appliances and anything else I can find that is in good shape and I take it over to Crisis Assistance Ministry. Here in Charlotte, they have a free store where people in need can get clothing and basic household supplies.

Donating gently used toys is also wonderful at the holidays ... no child should have to go without a toy on Christmas!

Failure IS an Option

2011-12-01T06:05:00.000-05:00

Failure isn't just an option, if you are going after something major, failure is inevitable. I recently came across an issue of the Harvard Business Review that came out on the spring. It's dedicated to failure. Yes, I said failure. We talk often about success but failure is never discussed. It's the other F word, and like the obscene F word, we don't want to use it in polite company. Yet, failure is the flip side of success - two sides of the very same coin. With a coin, you can't have heads without tails and you can't have success without failure.

The issue focuses on some of businesses biggest CEOs and their philosophies and stories of failure. One succinctly said, "The only failure in failure is when we fail to learn from it." An very compelling argument can be made that we learn more from failure than success. Also failing prior to succeeding makes our success, when we get it, that much sweeter. We appreciate it that much more.

It scares me when I see how many parents shield their kids from failure, in an effort to improve their self-esteem. The problem with that is that it doesn't work. Winning all of the time, being rewarded for just showing up and being coddled and told you are wonderful 24 hours a day doesn't build self-esteem as much as it creates a dangerous level of narcissism. Learning that you are okay even when you fail and learning how to bounce back and be resilient are much better teachers of self-esteem.

I remember once, as a child, I was so bored that I actually did my chores. I did them without being chided, yelled at or reminded incessantly. I thought I was hot stuff. I went to my mom and proudly announced, "I did all of my chores today." She looked at me with a blank expression and said, "And? That's nice but I'm not going to reward you for doing what you are supposed to do."

On another occasion, I auditioned for a play and did not get the lead role. I was crestfallen. After consoling me, my mother gave me my plan of action. "So you didn't get the lead role," she said. "You did get a nice sized role though and that's great. Now you make sure you play that role to the best of your ability and maybe next year, you'll get the lead."

She didn't go to school and argue with the teacher that made the decision. She didn't argue with the mom of the girl who did. She explained that even when we don't get what we want, we have to do the best that we can with it. Failure, in my parents' eyes should make us work that much harder. What did that other girl have that I didn't? What can I do to be better? How can I improve so that next year, I have a fighting change.

After several rehearsals I realized she was a darn good actress. She also had a much better voice than I did and this was a musical. I wasn't the lead but I understood why. Still, I took Mom's advice, but I made an impact in every scene I had (I even stole a few). I never got the lead in a musical, but a few years later, I did get a leading role.

There were other times when I probably should have gotten a role or something else I worked for. When I would complain about the unfairness of it all or why I deserved what I didn't get, my Dad would agree. "You are right," he'd say - immediately making me feel better. "It isn't fair and you probably did deserve it but life isn't fair and you don't get everything you want or everything you work for. Keep it moving and eventually something will work out, but not if you just sit here and whine about it."

The moral of the story is that I grew up knowing that failure happens. Good self-esteem is born of successes and failures. You don't get everything you want all of the time. You don't get every job you apply for. Every guy or girl you like doesn't like you back. You don’t get every role you audition for.

Failure is nothing to fear. It's part of life and it doesn't define you. Failing a few times is a good thing, it means you are in the game. You'll never win if you sit on the sidelines and wait for the perfect opportunity. It certainly doesn't mean you're not good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. True elf-esteem comes from within and the belief that you are good enough when you win and when you lose.

Trust Me, You Need This

2011-11-28T06:05:00.004-05:00

Take today's blog photo, print it and keep it with you at all times. Feel free to make copies for kids, co-workers, friends or spouses.

You see, this a rare find - something often heard but almost never seen. It is the ever-elusive Round To It. You hear a lot about Round To Its but its nearly impossible to find one, yet here it is.

The next time you find yourself or someone else saying that they'll do something when they get a Round To It, hand them this uncommon excuse eliminator.

Your co-worker says she'll review your report when she gets "around to it." Hand it to her.
Your kids swear that they'll get "around to" cleaning their room. Hand it to them.
The hubs says he'll get "around to" mowing the lawn. Hand it to him.
"I'll get around to scheduling that doctor's appointment, you say." Hand it to yourself!

People who are waiting for the opportunities to get a Round to It, no longer have that as an excuse because her it is!

More than Shades of Gray

2011-11-28T06:05:00.001-05:00

I have a very good friend who occasionally infuriates me by his tendency to see everything in black and white. If someone is having a hard time at work, it's "Why not just find another job?" His answer to a friend's difficult marital woes is "Why did she stay this long? Why didn't she just leave?" Everything in his eyes is just that simple and clear-cut.

I wish it were so simple. I see the shades of gray. In fact, I don't just see the shades of gray, I see the colors as well. The beleaguered worker doesn't just find another job because he experiences the red-hot frustration of a sometimes difficult boss and the green glares of envy in the eyes of several coworkers as they play office politics with him. On the other hand, he also has the golden glow of friendship and genuine concern from several other co-workers. He is also tickled pink every day because he truly enjoys the work he gets to do everyday. Getting another job is anything but black and white.

It seems simple enough for the woman in the blue-tinged loneliness of a bad marriage. Yet, what those on the outside never saw were the occasional bright red flashes of love and even passion between her and her jerk-of-a-husband. There were the warm brown moments of familiarity, as comforting as a cup of cocoa on a cold day, that came from knowing someone so long and experiencing so much with them. There was the flush of pink embarrassed cheeks as she imagined sharing what she had endured with condescending friends who "would have known better" if what had happened to her had happened to them. There was the gray-steely resolve she showed for years as she was determined to make her marriage work no matter what. So deciding to leave and getting up the courage to do so was anything but black and white.

Most things in life aren't black and white or even gray. If we truly look at a situation, we will see it flushed with vivid, realistic and emotional color. To discount those colorful experiences is to cheapen and dismiss those experiences.

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T06:05:00.000-05:00

Gratitude List

2011-11-21T06:05:00.000-05:00

It's impossible to be happy without being grateful. If you think about it, spoiled children (and adults) always seem disgruntled and unhappy because they are ungrateful. They feel entitled, as if they are owed something, and when they get what they think they deserve, they still aren't happy because now they want (deserve and are entitled to) something else. It's an endless cycle of misery.

Yet, if we are grateful - thankful - for what we have, we are then in a position to be happy with what we have. It doesn't mean that we don't want more, but it does mean that we don't spend our time pining away for what we don't have and wishing that what we do have was something else, something better.

It means you can enjoy a ride to work in your car without wishing you were riding in something else and headed somewhere all together different. It means you start a daily scavenger hunt, looking for what is good, what is working and what you can accomplish and enjoy. Gratitude enables you to see the good and the positive without the the tireless focus of what is wrong, broken, and just not good enough that plagues the entitled and ungrateful.

A lot of people advocate keeping a daily gratitude journal where you find something(s) to be grateful for everyday. I think this is an excellent practice. If you aren't up to daily journaling, then take some time during the Thanksgiving holiday to come up with 10 things you are grateful for that have happened in this past year. And, I guarantee, you can come up with 10. I've come up with 20, but I'll share 10 here with you now.

1. Health
2. Incredible vacation.
3. Spent extra time with my dad.
4. Completed several major projects at work.
5. Published two books on Kindle and recently added the paperbacks to Amazon.
6. Relaunched my movie/TV blog and am enjoying writing it.
7. Met a great guy.
8. Reconnected with a few old friends
9. Got back into cooking/baking as a hobby
10. New hairstyle

Nothing earth-shattering but things that have made my life a little better and brighter and for that I am grateful for. An attitude of gratitude can make all of the difference.

Favorite Funny Quotes

2011-11-17T06:05:00.002-05:00

One week from know, we'll be celebrating the Thanksgiving (and a really long weekend, if you were lucky enough to get it off), I thought I’d leave you with some of my favorite funny quotes. If you didn't get the holiday off, Happy Thursday!

"The meek will inherit the earth – if that’s okay with everyone else." – Author Unknown
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." ~ Rita Mae Brown
"Forgiving without forgetting is like taking poison and hoping the other guy will die." – Floyd Wickham (sales expert)
"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget constraints." – Elaine Ambrose (humor expert)
"Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men." - Kin Hubbard
"Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does Congress mean?" - Nipsey Russell
"I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for." ~ Unknown
"A word to the wise isn't necessary; it is the stupid ones who need all the advice." - Bill Cosby
"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and" – Brad Ramsey
"Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out." ~ Unknown
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me." ~ Elayne Boosler
"If crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?" ~ Unknown

Fretting about Tomorrow

2011-11-14T06:05:00.000-05:00

The same therapist that explained the connection between the past and depression explained to me that anxiety is future-based. People who suffer from anxiety worry about what would, could and should (or shouldn’t) happen. They approach tomorrow with a sense of dread and fear that seeps into their daily lives. Fear paralyzes them and stops them from taking action. They are simply overwhelmed.

If you ordered a product, you wouldn’t worry about it arriving defective or broken. You expect it to come in good working order. If it does arrive broken or with parts missing, you’ll handle it at that time, Yet, we don’t do that when we worry about tomorrow.

Some of our worries are well-founded. If you mailed off a payment knowing you don’t have the money in the bank to cover it, you’ll probably be worried … and rightly so. If you are cheating on your spouse, you probably should worry about getting caught.

However, many of our worries are unfounded. We make bad situations potentially worse when we speak them with words like always and never. I’ll never have enough money. I always meet the wrong men. I will always be stuck in this situation. Things will never get better.

Talk like that creates a lot of anxiety. We take the power of our imaginations and use it for the negative. We think of all the possible worst-case scenarios. If something has ever happened to us that supports our negative thinking then we will replay that event over and over again and assume that since it happened once before, it will, more than likely happen again.

As I said in the last post, if your anxiety is debilitating and preventing you from moving forward, you might want to consult a therapist. However, if you feel you can handle it, the best antidote for anxiety is planning. Plan for the thing you fear. Do as much as you can today to prevent the negative tomorrow from ever taking place.

As soon as I have a plan in place and begin acting on it, I feel better. I feel more in control. You might not be able to solve the whole problem but the act of doing something is making progress and you climb a mountain one step at a time.

After I’ve done all I can do, I acknowledge that I’ve done all I can do. It might not be perfect. The problem might not be solved but it might be a little better. If it isn’t better, at least I don’t have the regrets that I didn’t do all that I could.

I went through10 months of unemployment. As soon as I lost my job, I called the bank to see what I could do with my mortgage. This touched off a 10 month battle to try and keep my house. Talk about anxiety. Where would I go? How could I find an apartment without a job? Then my imagination kicked in. I would have to return to Cleveland, humiliated, and live with my family… at 41 years old. I’d be depressed. I’d be even fatter and I was convinced that I would have lost all will to go on. I invisioned myself wrapped in a blanket sitting on the sofa in the basement in my pajamas with a hair disheavled, tears in my eyes and a box of Kleenex at my side (what can I say, I have a vivid imagination!).

I did all that I could. I borrowed from family and friends. I tried to save up my meager unemployment money to make a payment. I contacted HUD, all of my congressional representatives, made a complained with the Commission of Banks, used my tax refund money and prayed relentlessly. It was overwhelming. Many, many tears were shed.

Finally, I realized that I had done all I could do and although it wouldn’t make me happy, I was willing to put my house up on a short sale. I hated the thought but I had no regrets because I had done all I could do. As I was heading home to call my agent, I got a call. It was a job offer and it saved my home.

I was fraught with anxiety that entire time but when I was working toward a solution, I felt a little bit better. Doing something, at least for that time, helped.Taking action helped combat my anxiety. If I had to do it again (and I really hope I never have to), I would add talking back to those negative thoughts and using my imagination more proactively instead of letting that negative movie play.

It doesn’t make sense to worry about things that haven’t happened yet; but it takes real actions and hard work to overcome those anxious thoughts and emotions.

Yesterday is a Memory

2011-11-10T06:05:00.000-05:00

A therapist once told me that depression is rooted in the past: regrets, guilt and not being able to deal with things that happened in the past. Those events grab us and refuse to let go, influencing and often ruining or self-esteem, our relationships and our general outlook and response to life.

Breaking the chains that shackle us to past events is critical to being able to move forward. I wish it was as easy as “just letting go” but often it isn’t. Sometimes we need the help of a professional … and there is nothing wrong with that. As a black woman, I come from a culture that often equates therapy with weakness when in fact nothing can be further from the truth. Therapy can be the strongest, bravest things you can do for yourself.

Other times, you don’t need a therapist, you need to change your way of thinking. Sometimes it comes over time, other times it takes hard work. My mom died when I was 15. The last time I saw her I left in anger. I lived with the guilt of that for years. It took me becoming an adult to realize that she probably realized that I was 15. My behavior was an episode of teenage psychosis and she knew that. She still knew that I loved her. It took time to come to that realization, but once I had it, I was able to let go.

On the other hand, after a bad experience dating a pathological liar, cheater and conman, it would have been easy to paint all men with that dark and evil brush. So, I got to work. I tried to find the lessons in that whole sorry experience. Most importantly, I realized that he was one man and was not a representative of all men. Ironically, the next man I met was the same age, height and from the same city as the conman. Yet, I judged this new man on his own merits and not on the behavior of the one that came before him. Gratefully, he is nothing like the other guy and would not have deserved to pay for the other guy’s actions.

Letting go of the past is critical to being able to live today, which is the goal. We cannot do anything about yesterday. All we can do is learn from it, make amends for it and move beyond it.

44 and No More

2011-11-08T19:05:00.002-05:00

Heavy D died today. He was one of the rappers that helped color my college years. When I read that he had been found dead in his Beverly Hills home, it struck me. It struck me because one of my favorite rappers from back in the day had passed. And, it struck me because, at 44, he was just one year older than me.

We are all guaranteed one thing. Just as we came in this world, we will leave it. Wealthy or poor, good, bad or indifferent, we will all die. However, as much as we love and cling to life, none of us want to face our mortality. It’s the ultimate elephant in the room. Seeing someone your own age brings it home in a way that is all too real.

I remember when my mom died; it was another jarring jolt of mortality. She was 44 too. The interesting thing is none of my friends wanted to talk to me about it. For one, they didn’t know what to say (and there really wasn't anything they could have said). Secondly, I realized that talking about my mother’s passing made them think about their own mother’s mortality, and no teenager wants to confront that inevitability.

But I have learned to take comfort in one truth. Each day is precious and should not be taken lightly or for granted. Every day I try to do three things: laugh, love and savor.

Whether I’m laughing at myself, my dog, a funny story or a sit-com, I find most things go better with a little levity. Laughter helps me to keep things in perspective and from taking myself too seriously.

I try to show love every day, if not directly through words, through my actions. Calling my dad, listening to a friend vent or helping another friend with car trouble, these are the things that show the people in my life that they are loved and appreciated by me.

Savoring is essential. Most mornings or nights when I walk Marty, I have the opportunity to gaze at a star-filled sky or see a sunrise. I might revel in a favorite dessert or a good glass of wine. While I was on vacation a few months ago, I walked leisurely on the beach enjoying the sand between my toes and the waves splashing against my legs.

Mortality for me doesn’t mean dreading death, it means cherishing life all that much more. I don’t know how long I’ll be here but I plan on making the most of it while I am.

What You Can't See

2011-11-07T06:05:00.000-05:00

We might not all be from Missouri but we do live in a state called, "Show me." We believe in the physical, the literal. We have to see it, touch it, and smell it before we believe it.

Imagination, visualization and to an extent, even dreams, have taken a backseat in our practical and factual society. Heck, they might not even have a backseat; they might as well be pushed to a corner in an overcrowded trunk!

When it comes to our desires, our ambitions and even our dreams, we focus on the physical or tangible component. We can see and touch the one we love. We recognize the promotion because it comes with a new title, a bigger office and a larger number on the paycheck. We know we have arrived by the ZIP code we live in or the car in the driveway.

Yet, there is an undeniable power in seeing the unseen. All creation begins with a thought and thoughts are born in that realm of the intangible. We might not be able to touch them but they are just as real as what we can hold in our hands.

A person with a serious illness who can visualize themselves as healthy increases their chances of recovering. Athletes picture themselves winning the game or crossing the finish line. A dieter who can see themselves thinner and healthier has a better chance of losing the weight. Seeing success, visualizing the possibility is the first step into making it a reality.

It is not silly to visualize or spend a few minutes seeing your future. In fact, it’s a big part of your success. Every day spend a few minutes seeing yourself achieving your goals. It makes a difference. It keeps your motivation high and your goals at the forefront of your mind.

You don’t need a vision board or any intricate process or procedure. Just close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and see your success.

Once you can see it, then you can believe it, and then your success is right around the corner.

Flying By

2011-11-03T06:05:00.001-04:00

It seems like this year has flown by. We are in the first few steps of the march towards the end of the year. It happens so fast, which is why it’s important to slow down and savor life right now. We won’t have that chance again.

I have a friend who is a true workaholic. She wears her 16 hour days like a badge of honor. In her estimation, it’s a good thing that her boyfriend broke up with her because he couldn’t handle her schedule. It’s a good thing that she catches every bug that comes around and works through it (she’s a trooper!) … it means she’s working hard. It’s a good thing that she doesn’t have time to rest or eat right. Health can wait.

I often wonder what she’s working for. What is the end game? I’m not saying that work isn’t important and that we shouldn’t give it 100% but I do think that we have to have a little bit of perspective about it. It’s been said that no one on their death bed ever wished they’d spent more time at work.

Life, like a year, goes by quickly, and before we know it, we’ve got more years behind us than ahead of us. In what seems like a blink of an eye, the kids go from diapers to school to college. Time truly waits for no one.

So use your vacation time. Enjoy some time with family. Work a little fun or relaxation into your schedule. Don’t put off every date night or plan to visit the parents at some nebulous time in the future.

Investing a little time today can save a lifetime of regrets tomorrow.

Halloween!

2011-10-31T06:05:00.005-04:00

A lot of kids love Halloween. They love the candy but some of them actually love being scared. As adults, looking at and living life, fear becomes ... well, something to fear. We have legitimate fears borne out of concerns and consequences, but sometimes we take it too far.

It makes sense to fear a dark alley in a bad neighborhood late at night. It makes sense to fear the repercussions of your boss when you find out the work you submitted was not the work he was looking for. Of course, it makes sense to fear for your kids and their well-being.

Yet, when we fear what others think, when we fear what might happen when the happening in question is way out of the realm of possibility, when we fear what we don't know just because we don't know it, we need to adopt a more fearless, dare I say, child-like approach.

In my early 20's I moved across the country to a city I'd never visited before. In a month, I managed to find work and an apartment. Over the next few months, I managed to make a few friends. About 6 months in, I was miserable. I hated it there. The job I took was supposed to be temporary until I found something else, but I wasn't finding anything. I wasn't close to any family, I wasn't making enough to afford a trip home, and my two new friends were planning moves back East. So after 9 months, I moved back.

Shortly after my arrival, an uncle told me that he and the rest of the family were disappointed because I didn't try hard enough. I asked him how long I would have had to stay there miserable before he would have felt better? I looked my fear of the unknown directly in the eye and stared him down. I had no regrets and I wasn't going to let his regrets hold me back.

I know people who avoid relationships, stay in relationships, and who refuse to even look for a job when there current job is making them miserable, because they fear what the unknown will look like. In there eyes, a little unhappiness beats the fear of stepping into the unknown.

Fear doesn't have to be enjoyed or reveled in, but it does need to be kept in perspective. Courage isn't moving forward with the lack of fear, it's moving forward in spite of it.

Take a Technology Fast

2011-10-27T06:05:00.012-04:00

Cell phones, email, text messaging, status updates, tweeting, for many of us, from the moment we awake until we go to sleep, we are ‘connected’. On an episode of Dr. Phil, one woman was so addicted to texting that she stopped in the middle of intimate relations with her husband to read and respond to a text. Don’t even get me started on all of the near-miss accidents I have had because someone couldn’t be bothered to look away from the phone and actually watch the road! It’s getting to be a little much.

These technological wonders have become a part of our lives, mostly for the better, but still, our dependence is a little bit scary. So many churches and other organizations have started what they call technology fasts. The most practical ones for me are evening fasts. If you need emails and cell phones for work or to track the kids down, that’s one thing.

Yet the idea of an evening fast intrigued me. An evening fast starts when you get home from work, and ends the next morning. For those hours, there is no:

Television
Internet
Phone usage (land line or cell)
Texting
Video Games
GPS Systems

For an evening, you are technologically free. You can read. You can meditate. You can talk to your family members. You can take a walk. You can play with the kids. You can write in a journal. You can paint, sing, draw … but you can’t utilize technology.

Of course this does take some planning. You won’t want to do it when you have a project due or a test scheduled for the next day, but you do want to find some time to do it.

I did it for several days during a recent vacation. I found it to be liberating and calming. Perfect for a vacation! Yet, I decided to do it one evening a week when I returned home – that has proved a little more challenging.

Try it just for one evening and let me know how it goes.

Get It Together Girl!: It's About Time!

2011-10-24T06:05:00.027-04:00

Boy have I been busy!

The second workbook in my Get It Together Girl series is now available on Amazon Kindle! The paperback will be available next month. Get It Together Girl!: It’s about Time: Finding It, Saving It and Making the Most of It is filled with time-saving tips that can help you tame the time monster.

It’s about Time was inspired by a conversation I’d had with a frazzled blogger regarding my first Get It Together workbook. She boasted that she didn’t have 15 minutes a day or even five minutes for that matter. The conversation stuck with me for a while and eventually, Get It Together Girl!: It’s about Time was born. Over a two-week period, I give daily tips on saving time. In the Extra Stuff appendix, I offer additional tips as well as websites and phone apps that can be helpful in saving time and being more efficient.

The GITG series is designed to help women (and men too) lose the excuses that stand between them, their dreams and the lives they want to lead. I’ve learned it is the little things that often stand in the way. If they were only more organized, had more time, access to more money or clearer goals, they could do more. So each Get It Together Girl workbook tackles one of these excuses in a way that is easy to read and just as simple to put into practice.

With the Get It Together Girl concept, I want readers to do more and read less. The workbooks are short, quick (and hopefully fun). And, when I say workbooks, I do mean work books. The idea is to work them and put the concepts in action .. not just read about them and mull them over.

My first workbook Get It Together Girl!: A 28-Day Guide to Practical NOT Perfect Home Organization is still available via Kindle and, as of this weekend, also available through Amazon in paperback. It focuses on home organization because a home that runs more smoothly saves time and reduces stress. Each weekday for four weeks, readers are given a 15 minute assignments to help them reduce clutter, increase organization and establish some realistic routines.

More Get It Together Girl workbooks are forthcoming. Hopefully, by year end, book three will be available. Just in time for the New Year, this one focuses on goal-setting. All of the books are affordable. If you have a Kindle, you can get both books electronically for $1.99. They are also available in paperback for just $6.99.

So, if you need to get yourself together, here’s your chance!

What Would You Do?

2011-10-17T06:05:00.002-04:00

I was thinking the other day about what I'd do if I won a ridiculous amount of money in the lottery. What would I do if I won $200 million dolllars?

Of course, I'd pay off my bills. I'd give a big chunk to my dad and pay for my sister's education. I would help all of my friends who are struggling. I'd pay off my house but I wouldn't get a new one. I love my house. It's perfect for me, so I think I'd stay. I also love my little Mazda 6. I don't need a BMW or a Lexus; but, I think I'd get the new Mazda 6 fully loaded.

But beyond those basic things, I'd need to do something everyday. Of course I'd travel, but I don't think I'd want to travel all of the time. I'd want to be productive and do something, for others and for myself.

For others, I'd give to my favorite charities and I'd also give back some more. I've had a dream of starting my own mentoring program and college fund for kids in the middle, the ones who everyone ignores. We pay a lot of attention to the gifted students and we make a ton of efforts to help those who are in trouble and at-risk, but what about the ones in the middle? What about the C students who go to school everyday, avoid trouble and just want a decent life? I'd do something for them.

For myself, I would also take this opportunity to learn. I would take culinary and photography classes. I'd become the photographer I've always wanted to be. I'd take the fun I have in the kitchen to a whole new level. I'd also be free to write and not have to worry about making a living.

So the question I asked at the end of this protracted daydream is why not start creating that life now? Heck, I don't even play the lotto, so how can I win it? LOL!

Maybe I can't pay off the house or start a new foundation or travel the world. But I can make do more volunteering. I can make more of an effort to study my photography and get out more and shoot. I can enroll in a cooking class or even buy a few cookbooks that can start to take me from novice to accomplished home cook.

The life we want doesn't need to be relegated to flights of fancy and daydreams. We can start right now, right where we are and all of our lives will be better for it.

The Journey of the Little Steps

2011-10-13T06:05:00.001-04:00

At the beginning of the year, I decided I was going to read the Bible, the whole thing, from Genesis to Revelation, all 66 books. I found a reading plan and on January 1st, I started.

During the first two months, I felt as if I was never going to get through as I flipped to the first few pages of the Old Testament and the first few pages of the New.

After a few months, I realized that reading just a few pages a day, was really making a difference. Now that the last quarter of the year is upon us, I can see a ton of progress. The end is in sight! This is one goal I set for 2011 that I will definitely make!

Little things do add up to a lot. It didn't seem like it was going to be enough at the beginning but I stuck with it and wow! Looking back, I wish I had been more diligent with the weight loss and the savings. I got impatient with the slow progress and I struggled on both fronts.

However, I am going to use this Bible reading experience as a testament (pun intended) to what chipping away, day-by-day can do. Those little efforts have yielded a huge result!

Words of Wisdom

2011-10-10T18:05:00.007-04:00

As one of the few people in the country who do not own an Apple product, I still recognize the loss of a titan, Steve Jobs, who changed the way we live from computers to music and even movies. In 2005, he gave the commencement speech at Standord University. It's long for a blog post but very much worth the time it takes to read it. And who knows, there could be an iPad or IPod in my future!

****************************************
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course."

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it's likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out.

What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating. I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it's the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Dayclean

2011-10-06T06:05:00.027-04:00

Another interesting component to my vacation in Edisto was historical. There is tons of history on the island, to be sure; but there is a strong possibility that there is personal history for me as well. According to my family, my grandfather Jesse Beach moved to Georgia from the South Carolina coast. He was allegedly of Gullah heritage. For those who aren't familiar, Gullah people are African-Americans who hail from the Low Country of South Carolina and Georgia who have maintained a unique culture and language. The Gullah language is a mixture of English, Portuguese, several African languages.

While I was there, I found from several locals that there were a number of Beaches in the area (not sandy beaches but people with my last name of Beach! LOL!). I plan on going back and looking specifically for my distant relatives. So as I toured of the island, I was especially interested in the history of the area as it very well could be my history.

Our tour guide (who could trace his family roots on the island back to the 1600s) knew a little Gullah. One word that stuck with me was the Gullah word for morning. They call it dayclean. What a poetic and accurate way to describe the morning.

Dayclean. Each day is a new day. We begin with anew. Dayclean to me means leaving aside yesterday - good, bad or indifferent - and embracing each day as a new day, a fresh start, a clean slate.

What a wonderful way to view the day. Yesterday is over. Tomorrow isn't here. We have today and we start each day fresh and clean.

Practicing What I Preach

2011-10-03T06:05:00.042-04:00

I write a lot about taking time for self. Yet, it is not enough to talk a good game, I also try to live it. It would be hypocritical of me if I didn't at least try to put my words into practice.

I've known for a while I needed a real break and a staycation wasn't an option. Since I blog and write at home, my home, although I love it, is actually Workplace #2 for me. Once I got the time off from Workplace #1, I knew I'd have to leave to really get the rest and relaxation I needed. Fortunately for me, my dad has a time share and I was able to get away for a week for next to nothing.

I went to Edisto Island, South Carolina, right on the coast. There are no major attractions. There was no nightlife, just a nice beach and some historical plantations and history on the island. For me, it was perfect. I spent my days on the screened in porch journaling and reading. I had daily walks on the beach. I slept in. I ate great seafood. It was restorative and peaceful. It was exactly what I needed.

Now that I'm back, my challenge is to figure out how to keep my stress level from careening to the heights it climbed to before I left.

Appreciate the quiet. I found that I wasn't using the television or radio as background noise. I journaled and read in complete silence. It was nice.
Stop rushing. The pace on the island was a lot slower. It tookdo's. I might even try to leave for work a few minutes earlier.
Decompress on a daily basis. At the end of the day, I would treat myself to a long bath. I do this at home too and it does make a difference.
Let it go. I realized, as I had a lot of time to walk and think, that I carry a lot of stuff with me that I don't need to carry: workplace woes, other people's drama, things I make into a big deal that really aren't. The most important thing I need to learn to do is let those things go. To paraphrase the Serenity Prayer: I need to change what I can, let go of what I can't and have the wisdomto know the difference.

A few days away can make all of the difference. I was a believer before and I'm still a believer now!

Life Lessons: You Don’t Know, So Don’t Assume

2011-09-29T06:05:00.001-04:00

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

Some people seem to have it all – money, career, a great relationship, angelic kids. Obviously, those people are doing something we aren’t. There they sit on top of the mountain while we struggle to make the climb. Oh, they have it so easy.

But how do you know that?

From the outside looking in, it is easy for things to look good. Think of the myth of the mermaid. After being out to see for months at a time, pirates and seamen would be lonely for companionship. They’d look across the water and in the distance see what appeared to be a mermaid, half woman/half fish, frolicking in the water. Upon closer inspection, what they thought was a mermaid, was actually a sea mammal called a manatee. If you’ve ever seen a manatee (look at the post photo), you’d know that these men must have been pretty desperate!

Yet, from a distance, that manatee appeared to be something completely different. So it is when we look at other people’s lives. We see them from a distance too. We don’t know what they’ve been through. We don’t know their traumas, we don’t know their sacrifices, and we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

I was talking to a friend of mine who is having a difficult time and when she looked at other people, she compared her struggles to theirs and came up short. She assumed that others were having an easier time. I asked her how she knew that. It’s possible that they were but in many cases, they have a host of their own issues to deal with.

I’m not suggesting that we wish something bad people who are doing well or assume that their life is a lie and they are just pretending to be happy. I’m suggesting that people are people and we all have our struggles and just because we don’t see those struggles from our seat in the back row doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

It’s easy to compare ourselves to other successful people and the further they are away from us, the easier we assume they have it. Rarely do we ascribe perfect lives to the people closest to us. In those cases, we know enough to know some of their struggles.

Recognize that all of us are human. We win. We lose. We have our ups. We have our downs. We have our regrets and our mistakes – every one of us. We all have a story to tell and if we sat down and heard some of those stories, I guarantee we’d be surprised.

Victim or Victor?

2011-09-26T06:05:00.005-04:00

The words victim and victor have the same root. The prefix vict means to conquer. Of course, the victor is the one who does the conquering and the victim is the one who is conquered. Two words that are similar in origin but vastly different in meaning.

We often hear about people with a victim mentality. This state of mind is characterized by a sense of helplessness. They feel powerless to change their situations. They engage frequently in the blame game. Since they are powerless and have no control they couldn’t possibly be responsible for anything that happens to them. No, it must be someone else’s fault.

They actively search for reasons why they are in the state they are in. It’s because of their race, gender, their economic status, or sexual orientation. It could be because of their faith, their appearance, or any number of other things; but they can justify their lives and, to be honest, their lack of progress.

You see, victimhood does exactly what the victim thinks it does. It holds the victim back. It prevents them from making progress. However, in many cases, it’s the belief in the victimization itself and not the perceived victimizers that keep people in their place.

By its very nature, victimhood is the antithesis of victory. The victim is the conquered so it shouldn’t be surprising that they don’t share many traits with the victors. In the mind of the victor, blame is replaced by ownership and responsibility. Instead of spending their energy looking for who to blame or finding reasons why they haven’t moved forward, the victor takes responsibility for her situation and spends her energy looking for how to change a situation. They don’t look for excuses; they look for ways to take action.

What makes victimhood even sadder is when you look at how the victim perceives life, as a losing game, a source of oppression, as if everyone is out to get him, you see that this person can’t possibly have a happy and contented life. Sure, no one is happy and contented all of the time, but how is happiness even possible with this thoroughly negative outlook?

Tragically, whether victim or victor, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. It’s the Law of Attraction in action. The one who thinks constantly about defeat and injustice, and blame attracts more defeat, injustice and blame. A setback for a victim who does attempt to move forward is seen as a final defeat. They give up.

Whereas the one who focus is more positive and proactive attracts more positivity and action. Even when they fail, they don’t look for blame, they look for the lesson to learn and they get back up and go at it again. No wonder they end up winning a whole lot more than they lose.

Life Lessons: Karma is Weird

2011-09-22T06:05:00.000-04:00

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

Whether you call it Karma or reaping what you sow, a lot of us believe that what goes around comes around. The good you do comes back to you and the evil you do returns to you as well. I’m not so sure about this.

In my life, I’ve seen a lot of people cause a lot of strife and create a lot of drama. I’ve been told that those people will get what is coming to them. In one case, I’ve been waiting for over 20 years to see the Karmic boomerang come back around.

On the other hand, I’ve seen people be giving and loving and caring and they are still struggling. What gives?

I think, for most of my life, I’ve taken a superficial view of Karma. If someone cheated, then Karma means at some point someone will cheat on them. If someone lied or stole, then at some point they would be lied to or be the victim of some thief. I’ve had sort of an eye-for-an-eye view of it.

I now believe that while Karma can work like that, a lot of time it works on a deeper level, more stealth-like. The cheater might not be cheated on, but he or she will always be looking over their shoulder, unable to trust. Likewise the liar and the thief also live in a prison of their own creation afraid that someone will do to them what they have done to so many others.

The people who strive to do the right thing are rewarded with a clearer conscience and the capacity for strong and solid relationships. They can sleep at night without watching their back every few minutes.

Karma is not a guarantee that we’ll be rewarded with exactly what we want if we do the right thing or a guarantee that we’ll face immediate or even delayed punishment for some of our wrongs. We do reap what we sow but not always in the ways we expect.

Karma is weird.

Get Some Rest!

2011-09-19T06:05:00.003-04:00

If you are like most Americans you aren’t getting enough rest. In my opinion, good preventive health has three components: a healthy diet, moderate exercise and sleep. We hear about diet and exercise all the time but we don’t hear so much about sleep. In fact, in our workaholic society not getting enough sleep is considered to be a badge of honor. Maybe we need to rethink that concept.

Over a third of Americans say they aren’t getting enough sleep (according to a 2010 study commissioned by the Philips Center for Health and Well-Being). Of those, half of them blame stress for their lack of shut eye.

Not getting enough rest can have dire consequences. Loss of productivity at work, increased risks of driving accidents, issues with mood (impatience, short temper) and increased stress are all direct effects of sleep deprivation.

But it goes deeper than that. Researchers are beginning to link chronic ailments like diabetes, heart disease and obesity to a lack of sleep. If you are dieting, you know it’s a lot harder to stay focused on your diet when you are tired and sleepy.

If you pay attention to what you eat and you make time to exercise, then it stands to reason that you ought to start valuing your rest as well.

Here are some tips for getting more rest

1. Make Your Bedroom a Sanctuary
There are two things you should be doing in the bedroom and they both begin with S (sleep and sex). Try not to bring your work into the bedroom. Also make your room as comfortable and relaxing as possible.

2. Take Time to Wind Down
I have battled insomnia all of my adult life, and I’ve found I have to make time to wind down. I make sure I’m off of the computer by 8:30 and I don’t answer my phone after 9:00 p.m. I’ve found that if I get involved in a major conversation I end up wound up after I’ve been trying to wind down! I also dim the lights tomake it more soothing.

3. Make Time for Sleep
Start with an extra 30 minutes either at night or in the morning. Recognize that sleep is a priority. A lot of driven people think that sleeping is a waste of valuable time. Change your thinking. Realize that getting enough sleep will help you be more effective and focused during your waking and working hours.

4. Drinking Does Not Help
A lot of people think a glass or two of wine before bed will help them relax. It is true … to an extent. The wine might relax you so that you get to sleep faster, but you won’t sleep as deeply and many times you may end up waking up in the middle of the night.

5. Develop a Routine
Make getting enough rest a habit and you can train your body to go to sleep earlier. After a few weeks of going to sleep and waking up at the same times (on weekends too when possible), your body becomes accustomed to it. Try this instead of sleeping pills which can be habit-forming.

Good night!

Life Lessons: The Better Test

2011-09-15T06:05:00.021-04:00

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

The Better Test is simple. Look at your life – the people, activities and events – and ask yourself if this person or thing makes you a better person in some way, shape or form. If they do, great! If they don’t, start moving them out of your life.

I had a ‘friend’ that didn’t pass the test. We’d been friends since childhood but had grown apart. I realized that she did not rejoice in my successes and she seemed to revel in my failures and my low points. She was always critical and negative about things I wanted to do and almost seemed to resent me in a passive-aggressive way. When I looked at the totality of our relationship, I realized that this person consistently sabotaged me and tried to make me question and feel bad about myself.

She failed the test. Slowly, I started to move her from my inner circle to the outer circle. We still talk from time to time but we aren't nearly as close as we used to be and that was my decision.

When it comes to relationships, ask yourself the following questions.

Does this person motivate me to do and be more? Are they supportive of me?
Do they share my interests?
Do they make me laugh and help me see things from another perspective?
Are they there to help me up when I fall down?
Do they tell me the truth when I need to hear it?
Can I count on this person to be there for me?
Do they get me?

If those are too many questions to ask, here’s an easier way to apply the test. Ask yourself how you feel when you leave this person’s company. Are you happy? Have you enjoyed your time with them? Or, are you frustrated? Do they leave you doubting yourself, feeling insecure or just plain drained?

I’m not saying you should summarily dismiss a good friend who’s going through a rough time, but I am saying to look at the people in your life and ask if they generally add something positive to it. If not, quietly move them out of your inner circle.

The same applies to the job you have and the activities you engage in. Does your job challenge you? Are you learning new things? How is the work environment? How do you feel when you head home at the end of the day? Being tired is one thing, but leaving stressed, upset, angry or frustrated on a consistent basis is something else all together.

If you are volunteering or engage in social activities, do you enjoy them or are you just there out of obligation? Do you like the people you are dealing with? Do you look forward to participating in your activity or do you dread it? If you dread it or don't enjoy it consider not doing it.

My goal is to surround myself with people, events and activities that make me a better version of myself. Even if a friend is just there to make me laugh, that is a good thing and I appreciate. Everyone in my inner circle is there for a reason. Hopefully, I'm in their inner circle for a reason too.

Think of your life as a play – a one-man or woman show. You are the star. You want to fill your first two rows with those who have scored highest on the Better Test. These are your biggest fans. These are the ones who clap the loudest and who really want you to deliver a tour-de-force performance. Let the people who might boo or walk of the performance, sit in the back ... way in the back. Those are the ones who have failed the test.

For a better life experience, surround yourself with people who pass the Better Test.

Change Your Definitions

2011-09-12T06:05:00.001-04:00

Motivational Speaker and author Tony Robbins tells a very powerful story about two men at a retreat he conducted. The first man was a high-powered CEO and the other a more casual and laid back guy. When Tony asked each person if they were successful, the CEO said no and the laid back guy said yes.

Looking at these two men, everyone assumed that the CEO would surely see himself as a success. He had an eight-figure salary, ran a major corporation and had his own private jet. He was the very definition of success.

When Tony asked the men to define success, the answer became obvious. The CEO fell a little short on the bonus he wanted to make. He hadn’t completed all of the projected he’d wanted to complete and so in his eyes, he was not a success. The laid back guy’s definition was a little simpler. He said, every day he woke up was a successful day. Of course he was a success!

The reason why success and happiness are so elusive is because we make them that way. We think, “I won’t be successful until I make this much money or move into this neighborhood or find a spouse.” “We assure ourselves that we’ll be happy when I lose weight, or when we finish school or when we find a better job.” Tragically, if those things actually come to pass, we find that we still don’t feel happy or successful.

The thing is that we can choose to be successful or happy right now. The truth is that perfection is fleeting and rare. We can be happy now, even if we still have credit card debt or a lousy job. None of that stops us from enjoying what is good and going well in our lives right now.

Maybe success isn’t measured in the amount in your bank account or the ring on your finger or the title of your job. Maybe success can be as putting in a full day’s work or being able to give back to your family and friends. Happiness could be laughing everyday or spending time with family and good friends.

Change your definitions and change your life!

Life Lesson: Life Isn't Fair ... But That's Okay

2011-09-08T06:05:00.022-04:00

September is a reflective time for me. As I turn 43 this month, I started thinking about some Life Lessons I’ve learned over the years and thought I’d share them.

Like every other child, whenever I felt like I’d been wronged or slighted, I’d cry “That’s not fair!” Many of us continue to do this well into adulthood. “It’s not fair. I should have got the promotion!” “It’s not fair. I work hard, I should have more!” “It’s not fair fill-in-the-blank.” Well the cold, hard truth is that life isn’t fair.

We don’t always get what we deserve. Often times, we don’t get what we want. Sometimes we don’t even get what we need. Bad things happen to good people and bad people have good things happen to them.

I used to wonder why. I tried to figure out for myself why things unfolded the way they did. Maybe it’s God teaching a lesson. Maybe it’s a divine punishment. It could be that the person just makes bad decisions. Maybe they just have bad luck. It was an exercise in futility. The truth of the matter is that I don’t know and may never know.

What I do know is this. Because I can’t determine why bad things happen to good people, I can’t go around pointing the finger of blame. When a bad thing happens to someone, I don’t point assume that they have done something wrong because I don’t know. Also, I don’t want people pointing that ignorant and accusatory finger at me either.

Instead of figuring out why things have happened or who to blame, I try to determine the what, the where, and the how. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? How can I change this situation?

Accepting this truth is freeing. Once you stop expecting fairness, you are able to move forward and take life as it comes: the good, the bad and the ugly. You are also able to start appreciating and accepting what you have, the things you overlooked in your search for fairness.

Maybe you didn’t get that promotion, but your current job gives you the time and flexibility that you would not have had with the other job.
Maybe you haven’t lost weight, but you have a partner that loves and appreciates you the way you are.
Maybe you weren’t blessed with children but you have many nieces and nephews, not to mention good friends.
Maybe you didn't buy the house but your rent payments are very affordable.

Just because life isn’t fair doesn’t mean we aren’t blessed and that we don’t have a lot to be grateful for.

Happy Labor Day!

2011-09-05T06:05:00.002-04:00

Thankfully Thursday!

2011-09-01T06:05:00.002-04:00

Today is Thursday, which has become in many offices across the country, Thankfully Thursday. You know, the day that comes after Hump Day (Wednesday) and just before Thank God It’s Friday. After that, we have two days away from work before we have to come down with a Case of the Mondays when we realize that we have to do it all over again. Is this any way to live?

Many of us, myself, at times, included, seem to trudge through the weekdays so that we can make it to the weekend, but what happens then? Many times we are overrun with weekend activities that have us exhausted by Sunday night or we squander that time doing nothing and complaining about how we wish there was more to do.

When I realized that I was spending five days of my week in anticipation of two (that I didn’t cherish that much once they were here), I challenged myself to be more proactive and started asking myself some questions.

What could I do during the week to add some fun to my day?
What did I have at work I could look forward to?
What part of my job did I enjoy the most?
If I’m going to look forward to the weekend, what am I going to look forward to doing with that time?

Asking these questions, and coming up with a few answers, made the work days a little more bearable (and dare I say, at times, enjoyable) and the weekends started to become something to really look forward to.

Is every day full of meaning and satisfaction? Of course not, but I do have more enjoyment and satisfaction than I did before. Is every weekend a wild whirlwind of adventure? No, but what I choose to do with that time, I choose to do consciously, even if it’s just sleeping in or getting caught up on some house work.

Every day is a gift and it can’t be returned so we might as well make the most of it.

My Bad!

2011-08-29T06:05:00.001-04:00

As you know, I share a lot of my life within these blog posts. Something happened recently that I have to share. You can file it under “Lessons Learned.”

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time on this as well as my other blogs. I’ve also written a second Get It Together Girl book, due out in late September or early October on saving time.

However, while working on all of these other projects, plus my job, my web site fell by the way side. I knew I needed to renew the domain but I just never got around to it. By the time I did, it was too late … someone had purchased losetheexcuses.com. My website was gone. I can’t afford to pay a small fortune to buy it back so I had to move on.

Lose the Excuses, the website, can now be found at www.losetheexcusesnow.com. This is a huge setback considering every article I’ve written and every business card I’ve passed out over the past three years is associated with the old site; but what else could I do?

Honestly, it's all my fault and I own every bit of it. I did receive several notices that my domain was about to expire but I had lots of other things to do. Something so minor .. costing less than $20 and five minutes of my time ... slipped through a crack I created and now it will cost me big time.

I try very hard to keep on top of things but every once in a while, something gets past me. Yes, I am a coach and I write about these things and on a certain level, I do know better. However, I’m also a human being who can and does make mistakes. My philosophy is that as long as I continue to draw breaths, I will continue to make mistakes. The goal then is not to not make mistakes but not to make the same ones twice.

I think my butt is bruised from all the kicking of myself I’ve done this weekend. Suffice to say, this has put my website back on my radar and believe me, this is not a mistake that I’ll make a second time.

So visit the site … http://www.losetheexcusesnow.com/ and if you need to reach out to me, you can do so at karyn@losetheexcusesnow.com.

Letting Go

2011-08-25T06:05:00.029-04:00

As I mentioned in my last post, my little sister is in college now. It's an exciting time for her and all of us; but for her parents and her siblings, it's also a bit scary. I don't have children, but right now, I guess I'm feeling a little parental.

She has a good head on her shoulders, and now, for the first time, she'll have to use it. She navigated the minefield that is high school but she did it with many of the same friends she'd had since grade school and with her parents right there by her side. Now, she's on a totally different playing field ... new environment, new people, new expectations, new experiences.

As I told her, this will be the first test of whether or not she'll be able to apply the lessons we've all tried to teach her over the years. Having been through college, I know more than a bit of what she'll be facing. Underage drinking, the predatory older guys who look at freshmen girls as fresh meat, roommate issues, academic pressures and, most of all, a ton a freedom from supervision, parental and otherwise.

I'd be crazy not to be a little worried. Yet, I have to let her go. I have to trust that she'll do the right thing. I have to believe that she'll use that good head she has on her shoulders. I have to know that she's heard some of the things that her parents and the rest of us have tried to drill into her head over the years.

Still, I have to realize that she'll also do the wrong thing. We all do. She'll make mistakes. She'll get hurt. She'll have setbacks. She will fail. She will be disappointed. She'll experience pain and although I might see it coming from a mile away, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Again, I'll have to trust that she'll get back up, wipe herself off, learn her lessons, and continue to move forward.

I have to trust and believe that through the good and the bad, she'll become the awesome woman I always knew she'd be.

Karyn's College Study Guide

2011-08-22T06:05:00.001-04:00

I am so excited for my little sister! She is starting college today. She’s had about a week to get settled in and her first classes begin today.

My college years were great. I had a ton of fun, made some good friends and learned some valuable life lessons. Although it was fun, I never forgot why I was there. I was there to get my degree and my father made it abundantly clear that it needed to happen in four years and poor grades would not be tolerated.

So, I developed a system for studying that allowed me to study Sunday through Thursday. I never had to cram for tests and I was always prepared. Plus I had weekends off to have fun with my friends.

I decided, as I gift to my little sister, I’d write out my strategy and share it with her. In fact, I’m if you have kids, siblings, cousins, or others who need something like this, email me at coach-u@live.com and I’ll send you a copy. Put College Study Guide in the subject and I’ll get it right out to you.

Bye, Bye Borders

2011-08-18T06:05:00.005-04:00

I am heartbroken by the demise of my favorite bookstore. I loved shopping in Borders Books! I can’t tell you how many times I came across a great book just because I was browsing the shelves. I could buy it, grab a cup of coffee and get started reading it immediately (and not have to wait days on the postman). Don’t get me wrong, Amazon is great. Heck I publish and sell my books through Amazon. Yet, there is something about the Borders experience that I will definitely miss.

One of my best friends and I had a ritual. Every time I’d go home for a visit, we’d meet up at Borders. We’d browse the shelves, discuss the books and have a few good laughs. Next, we head downstairs for lunch at my favorite Chinese restaurant. What will we do now?

But the demise of Borders goes a lot deeper than my personal enjoyment. I worry about the overwhelming dominance of all things Internet. I liked going to Borders. I liked chatting up other bibliophiles. I liked picking up the books and flipping through the pages. I liked having that cup of coffee surrounded by other readers. I liked walking out of the store with my books in hand. I get none of that with an Internet purchase done in the silence and security of my own home. Sure, I can browse, but it isn’t the same.

Call me old-fashioned but I actually like getting out of the house. I like seeing other people. I like talking to other people. Sadly, I think those experiences are dying. We can download movies from the comfort of our homes through Netflix. We can buy books, clothes and just about everything else online. Who needs to actually see or speak to friends when you can Facebook, Tweet or text them? Kids don’t play outside anymore. They stay at home watching movies, playing video games and going online.

It isn’t surprising to me that common courtesy is becoming increasingly uncommon. Behind the anonymity of the computer, we don’t have to be nice, considerate or courteous. Is it any wonder that we are becoming less nice, considerate and courteous in the ‘real’ world?

A trip to the grocery store often illustrates my point in vivid color. As I look over the shelves for my favorite products, increasingly the people who walk in front of me can’t even mutter an “Excuse me.” As I check out, often the cashier doesn’t even make eye contact. At the end of the exchange, instead of telling me how much I owe, on many occasions, I’m expected to view my balance on the register. I’m not saying this happens all the time but it happens much too frequently.

I shudder to think about where all of this is headed.

I guess for now, I’ll have to find a Barnes and Nobles to get my book fix, still it won’t be the same.

Time with Dad

2011-08-15T06:05:00.001-04:00

My father made the trip from Cleveland to Charlotte last week. I love when he comes down because it’s the only Daddy-Daughter time we get together. Yes, I’m a 42-year old woman but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy time with my Daddy!

As a single woman with no significant significant other, we spent the first day and a half checking items off of my Daddy-Do list. When you don’t have a Honey to complete the Honey-Do tasks, you keep a list and wait for Dad to come to town! My father is a serious fix-it man and he enjoys taking care of those little repairs and household tasks. I also enjoy helping him. I always have. Over the years, I’ve become quite handy around the house and with the car and it all comes from watching and helping my dad.

We saw a movie. We walked together. I showed him around Charlotte. Basically, I enjoyed spending time with him. We talked and laughed and just enjoyed each other’s company. A while back, my dad was concerned that he couldn’t leave me a small fortune. He said he was getting older and he wanted to make sure I’d be okay if he was no longer here. His single-minded focus on ‘providing’ for me was having an adverse affect on our relationship.

I told him that he didn’t have to worry about ‘providing’ for me. I wasn’t concerned about him making lots of money for me as much as I was concerned about him making memories with me. First of all, I’m a grown woman and I do okay for myself. Secondly, if my Dad was no longer here, I’d rather have memories than money. We made a lot of good memories this weekend.

Once a Daddy’s Girl, always a Daddy’s Girl.

Forgive and Forget ... Maybe!

2011-08-11T06:05:00.001-04:00

I found this video by Dr. Paul that talks about forgiving and forgetting. He takes a realistic approach that states there may be some things that aren't forgiveable or that you don't want to forget. His focus is on relationships but what he says can be applied to a lot of different situations.

I would add that if you have one of those Level 10 issues and you don't feel as if you can forgive or forget, you still need to find a way to come to terms with what happened and who did it, so that your anger doesn't fester and end up eating you alive.

I'm curious as to what you all think about forgiving and forgetting. Please comment.

(Oh, and for the record, I don't get the whole martini glass thing either!)

Who Needs a Coach?

2011-08-08T06:05:00.000-04:00

Last week, I went over why I became a life coach. Life coaching is a rather new phenomenon, only a few decades old, so many times I end up educating people on what exactly a life coach is and isn't.

The operative word for me is coach. If you've ever played or watched sports you know that the coach supervises the practices, makes sure the athlete is properly conditioned, works with the athletes on the plays and strategies. All of this is done before the game. During the game, they are on the sidelines offering encouragement, working on the strategies and the plays, making last minute adjustments.

Life coaches do the same thing. The difference is that what we do doesn't culminate in a big game, it culminates in big changes to your life. In some cases, I've had clients work towards a specific goal like preparing for a major presenation, or the completion of a business plan or finding a job. In other cases, they are working with me on things that aren't so clearly defined. They want to manage their time better or be more assertive.

In either case, my role is the same. I work with them on plans and strategies for reaching that goal. I encourage them and acknowledge their successes. I also give them some straight talk if I feel they are coming up with excuses and not being focused. Mainly, I listen and help people come up with their own plans and their own courses of action.

I've been told by several people that they think they'd be good life coaches because they like to tell people what to do and they feel they are good advice givers. Ironically, those traits would make someone a terrible life coach! A good coach listens more than they speak and they work hard NOT to give advice or dictate what someone should do. As a coach, I don't develop the plays for you, I help you to develop your own.

A coach is not your mother. It's not my job to shame you into a behavior or nag you to death.
A coach is not a consultant. I'm not hired to do the work for you. You have to do it yourself.
A coach is not a therapist. I can help you reach your goals but I cannot work out any deap-seated physiological issues with you.

Coaching is not a necessity for anyone but it is something good you can do for yourself. I have clients who look forward to talking with me because I am dedicated to them for the time we are together. It's not about the kids, the spouse, the job, for just a few moments it's about them, their thoughts, their plans and their desires and a little me time is always a good idea.

Smarty Marty

2011-08-04T06:05:00.000-04:00

My dog Marty recently celebrated his 12^th birthday. In dog year’s, he’s 64 (for a true dog age calculator based on breed, click here). I’ve had him for 10 of his 12 years. Together we’ve moved across country and back. He’s been there for me through thick and thin. Boyfriends have come and go but Marty has remained my constant companion and biggest fan.

Pets bring so much to our lives and Marty has given me so much joy over the years. However, he’s also taught me a thing or two.

A Little Enthusiasm Goes a Long Way: Marty is genuinely excited to see me when I get home and sometimes after a bad day, it helps that some living thing who is excited to see me! His enthusiasm is definitely contagious!

Forgive and Forget: Marty doesn’t carry a grudge. Even if I yell at him or scold him, in a few minutes, it’s all forgotten and forgiven. Of course, that is much easier for a canine than a human but I think we could all be a little more forgiving at times.

Forget Your Age: To see Marty, you’d have no idea he’s 12 (or 64). He still bounces out of the door for walks and chases after other dogs and even the occasional rabbit. If he had any idea how old he is, I can’t tell! Don’t let your age keep you from enjoying yourself and having fun! Enjoy life!

Be a Good Friend: Marty is good at reading my moods. He can tell when I’m down or upset and he is always ready with a cuddle or even to lick a tear from my eye. I think sometimes we get so wrapped up with ourselves that we don’t connect with those closest to us. We always need to be ready with love and support when a spouse, friend, or child is having a difficult time.

Karyn Beach: Life Coach

2011-08-01T06:05:00.002-04:00

In all the time I’ve been writing this blog, I don’t think I’ve ever really explained how I became a life coach.

After spending over a decade in training and development, I was getting burned out. Training is often an uphill battle as you’re often training people who don’t want to be trained and who don’t share your love of learning (and most trainers really do love learning and teaching).

I remember running to the bathroom before a class. While in the stall, several women prepared to leave. They were headed to my class … and talking about how they did not want to be there and what a waste of time it would be.

I was crestfallen. Talk about knocking the wind out of someone’s sails! The class went well, but I started thinking. I love training but I’d also love to work with people who wanted to be worked with. How could I do both: enjoy training and work with people who wanted to be worked with?

While walking my dog a few days later, it came to me, life coaching! I’d had a very positive experience with a life coach about two years earlier. She helped me get over some of the hurdles that kept me from saving money. Not only did I start saving as a result of our sessions but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Coaching would be an excellent way to help people learn about the most fascinating subject of all … themselves!

Becoming a coach through Coach Inc. was a transformative experience. As I learned about coaching, I learned a lot about myself. It was incredible. This blog is an outgrowth of that training. Through these posts, I hope to give you a few things to think about and some practical tips you can apply to learn more about yourself and improve your life right now.

The name of my coaching business and my blog is Lose the Excuses because, as a coach, that is exactly what I do. I help people lose the excuses that stand between them and living the life of their dreams. You can have more, be more and do more and you can start right now, right where you are and using what you have.

I'm still a corporate trainer and instructional designer by day, but my coaching has given me a valuable means of reaching out and making an impact on others ... through coaching, my blog and my books. I love it!

The Recipe for Unhappiness

2011-07-28T06:05:00.000-04:00

If you want to be unhappy, it’s easy. Complain about what you have. Get frustrated over what you don’t have. Compare yourself to people who have more. If you weren’t before, now you’re probably unhappy.

Unhappy people don’t appreciate what they have. A nice late model car, in good condition, is never as good as a BMW. A cozy 3-bedroom home isn’t nearly as nice as the 5-bedroom down the street. The 32-inch TV was good, until you saw the 50-inch. The relentless pursuit of bigger, better and more, more, more is a long frustrating road to unhappiness.

Unhappy people obsess over what other people have. The lives of others always look good. They have more money. They have better relationships. They have well-behaved kids. They have great jobs. They have it all … and we don’t. It’s exhausting being that exasperated!

So many people postpone happiness for another time. They’ll be happy … when they get married (or when they get divorced) … when they graduate … when they lose weight … when they get a new job or a raise … when they have a baby … when the kids are grown. Yet when those times come, guess what? They aren’t any happier.

Happiness has to happen now.

Happiness can happen now.

There is no other time for happiness.

Happiness starts with appreciating what you have right now. Money might not be flowing but you have great friends and family … so be happy now. You might still be single, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your solo time or nights out with the friends … so be happy now. You might not have the car or the job of your dreams … but you have the transportation to take you where you want to go and a job to tide to over until you find something better. In the meantime, enjoy your health, your family, your friends, your hobbies … so be happy now.

Someday will probably never come. What we have is today. Make today a good day by making the choice to be happy now.

Everyone is Confident!

2011-07-25T06:05:00.004-04:00

As a coach, I like to check out and listen to other coaches. One of my favorites is Christine Pembleton, a dating and relationship coach (http://www.readytobeawife.com/). She released a short video on what women can do to attract men and a lot of it boiled down to one word: confidence. It made sense to me immediately, but the next thing she said really blew my mind. She said that we are all confident ... it's just that some times we are often confident in the wrong things.

I connected with that statement easily. For years, from my teens through my early 30's, I suffered from low confidence about my appearance. However, when it came to my work, my confidence was high (almost too high! LOL!!!!). So what was the difference?

The difference was exactly what Coach Christine had said. In the area of my appearance, my confidence was misplaced. When it came to my work and professionalism, it was right on target.

At work, I am confident. I know the following three statements to be true.

I am a talented writer and I can turn around a writing project quickly.
As a trainer, I have the ability to connect with my students and a knack for breaking down concepts in a way that makes it easy for them to understand.
I invest in my learning and am confident in what I've learned so far and I am always learning more.

In my personal life, when it came to my appearance, I knew the following three statements to be true.

There are lots and lots of women who look better than me and those are the women men are interested in.
My butt is too big, my hips are too wide, my thighs are chunky, my complexion is too dark, my hair is too short and my toes are just bizarre.
Basically, men do not find me attractive.

My confidence is/was high in both sets of statements. So, would it surprise you to learn that I've had infinitely more professional success than person (dating) success?

We all have confidence but it has to be the right confidence. It has to be confidence that is based in a positive truth. It should be a confidence that propels us forward and lifts us up. There are plenty forces out there willing to drag us down. Those forces should not exist within ourselves.

So, it's taken some work but I'm changing (you don't change decades of behavior overnight) the ideas around my appearance, and my confidence is growing. Now, I know ...

There are women that look better than me but I am attractive too.
I'm losing weight but no matter what they scale says, I'll always be a curvy, bootylicious girl and that doesn't have to be a source of shame or embarrassment. It can be a good thing!
Not every man will find me attractive, but some men will.

I can be confident in those statements. For one, they are true. Secondly, they are realistic. I'm not confident that I'm the second coming of Halle Berry or that every man I meet will fall to my feet suddenly blinded by my stunning beauty. LOL! Those statements aren't realistic to me therefore I could never believe and be confident in them. Confidence has to be grounded in reality.

What areas you can use a confidence make-over?

Listening is an Art

2011-07-21T06:05:00.005-04:00

It's interesting that most communication classes focus on speaking and presentation. However, speaking is only half of the communication equation, the other half is listening. If you have ever had a conversation with someone who was distracted or who was determined to hear what they wanted to hear and not what you said, you know that listening is just as important as speaking.

Listen to the Words. What is the other person saying? Listen to the whole thing. A lot of time we hear the first part of a person's statement and then we start mentally crafting our responses while the other person is still talking and guess what? We miss the rest of what they are saying.

Acknowledge the Speaker. This is especially important if someone is sharing something important or heartfelt with you. Paraphrase what they are saying back to them so they know that you are listening. Give listening fillers "Uh-huh," "Okay," "I see." If you are face-to-face, maintain eye contact or occasionally nod.

Listen Beyond the Word. If face-to-face, review the body language. Look at the facial expressions. Listen for inflection, tone and the emotion beyond the words. Something as simple as "Fine," can be completely different based on tone, inflection and body language.

Focus. In our multi-tasking world, it's easy to want to talk, text, return emails all at once. Respect the speaker by giving them your attention. If you must take a call or respond to a text, apologize for the interruption, do it quickly and re-focus on the person and the conversation.

Don't Assume: You know what happens when you assume. Ask if you have concerns or if you need clarification. I have a friend who literally has her own definitions for a lot of words. Her definitions many times have nothing to do with the actual definition. We used to argue all the time because I didn't understand how she was defining a word. Now I ask her for her definition before assuming that we're both using the Webster's definition.

Good communication has to include good listening. And remember, good listeners aren't always born that way, many of us have to learn how to listen well!

Ladies Who Lunch

2011-07-18T06:05:00.001-04:00

Ladies Who Lunch is a term that originated in a Broadway musical to describe well-off women who have time for long, leisurely lunches. As a professional with a busy schedule, you probably wouldn't consider yourself a lady who lunches, but you should, sort of. I'm not advocating taking a two-hour, three martini lunch in the middle of the workday but I am advocating using your lunch time and taking your breaks.

Did you know, according to a 2010 survey by Right Management and Linked In, only 47% of American workers take a lunch away from their desks? Twenty percent eat at their desk, and 13% seldom or never take a lunch break at all.

Many employers even frown on taking a lunch. It looks like you are being more productive if you are tethered to your desk all day long. But guess what? Taking a lunch and maybe even a mid-morning or afternoon break actually makes you more productive. Your body and your mind need that breather. It needs the time away for physical nourishment and mental regeneration.

I too have been victim to task master bosses who equate lunch with slacking off but I also know that I feel better and my work is better if I take a breather. On nice days, I might eat at my desk while working, but I do it so I can take a short brisk walk afterwards.My methods may be unconventional but my results can't be denied.

Even if it's just 15 minutes, make a effort to get up and have a real lunch away from your desk. For those precious few moments: enjoy your food, chat with a co-worker, read a book, thumb through a magazine, play a game on your phone or take a short walk. Do something but do it away from your desk and make sure it's not work.

Be a lady (or gentleman) who lunches!

Balancing Act

2011-07-14T06:05:00.000-04:00

There is a lot of talk about balance. Juggling responsibilities, making time for work, family, friends, social obligation and, of course, self. But what does balance look like?

Well, I don't know. But, I'll tell you this much. It isn't perfect. Many people view balance as a pie with perfectly equal slices. Or a scale with both sides in perfect balance. Nothing could be further from the truth.

My definition of balance is making some time for the things that matter most. Sure you might like a weekly date night with the spouse or a monthly girls'(or guys') night out. It would be great to have hours a day to spend with the kids but the truth of the matter is that life will often prohibit that from happening.

Work demands, long commutes, errands, chores and the business of life encroach on our time. So to me balance is more about quality than quantity.

You might not be able to have date night every week but you can have some down time to talk at the end of the night or even have some nice conversations on the cell phone in traffic. You might not have hours a day with the kids but you can make the time you have count. You might love to curl up on an afternoon with a book but that's a luxury you cannot afford.

True balance is recognizing the ebb and flow of life. There will be times when work demands or family concerns are increased and you have to cut back in other areas. That's okay. Do what you can with what you have. When the crunch passes increase the amount of time for other tasks.

The key to balance isn't perfect symmetry and alignment. It's finding a way to incorporate the things that matter into your life in a way that gives you a little happiness and peace.

A Helping Hand

2011-07-11T06:05:00.004-04:00

As the recession lingers on for many of us, it's easy to find ourselves wrapped in a cocoon of worry and despair. We feel helpless. We feel hopeless. We don't know what to do or where to turn. It's when we are in these lowest moments that it is even more important to reach out to others, to look outside of ourselves.

I was out of work for almost a year. About two months into my unemployment, I started to get depressed. I was at home alone all of the time, looking for work and wondering what would happen to me if I didn't find work. It was too much. With no husband, boyfriend, children or even roommate, I was alone all of the time. I got a good idea of what solitary confinement might be like and I didn't like it!

One night, I called a good friend in tears. She told me what I already knew ... I had to get out. But where and how? I had tons of time and no money. She suggested I volunteer. I found an organization and it literally changed everything.

Ironically, I worked with a local job readiness training program. It put me in touch with people. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning. It allowed me to do something I truly love (training). Most importantly, I met people who had similar struggles to mine ... and I met people who were a lot worse off. It gave me a much-needed sense of perspective. It also gave me a sense of pride because I was able to do something for these people. I looked forward to seeing them everyday and I know that many of them looked forward to seeing me.

I was struggling and could barely do for myself but here, it was different. I could make a difference. While I looked for work, I helped others find and keep work. I helped them develop their skills. I helped them see things in themselves they had never considered. I loved it.

A client even recommended that I apply for an open position at her old company. I did and I got it. So volunteering helped me find my current job!

As I approach the one year anniversary on my job, I still keep in touch with the people I volunteered with and I volunteer and visit when I can. I'm hooked. I think Jacob's Ladder will always play a role in my life. It's that important.

If you want to volunteer, there are many organizations that could use your help: schools, churches, community centers. If you don't know where to go or what you want to do, start here: http://www.volunteermatch.org/. You can find organizations in your area and based on your interest.

Be the change you want to see. : )

You Have My Permission

2011-07-07T06:05:00.005-04:00

Now, he's got the right idea!

You have my permission to do absolutely nothing. Go ahead ... veg out in front of the TV, take a long nap, have a cup of coffee and people watch, mediate, listen to some good music, go to a movie, take a drive, indulge in a little retail therapy.

For a moment, be the anti-Nike: Just Don't Do It. Put the work down. Forget about the chores. Just for one day, rip up the task list.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is nothing. Give yourself the time and space to rest, rejuvenate and recharge. Stop doing and spend a moment being. If you are like most of us, all you do is go, go, go; but there is no prize for all that non-stop activity. In fact, working so much eventually makes you less effective, more stressed, more susustible to colds, headaches and nagging illnesses.

So take a few deep breaths and do something you enjoy or just do nothing. A little down time will actually make you a better parent, employee, employer, friend and partner. Don't wait until you can take a vacation or until there is a holiday (that brings with it stressors of its own). Do something now. Make it something small and something easy. I guarantee it will make a big difference.

Happy Independence Day!

2011-07-04T06:05:00.000-04:00

Karyn Cooks: BBQ Chicken Salad

2011-06-30T06:05:00.000-04:00

Back in the spring, I challenged myself to make some delicious salads. I haven't been much of a salad fan because when making salads on my own I always ended up with the boring standby of lettuce, tomato and cucumber. Needless to say, it was a hard salad to get excited about. So I thought about the kinds of salads I order when I go out. You know the salads that sound good and taste any better. I mastered three salads so far: BBQ Chicken, Chinese Chicken and a Popcorn Chicken Salad. To change it up even more, this next go-round I'm going to go for salmon, steak and shrimp salads. What can I say, I'm a carnivore! Anyway, I love the BBQ chicken salad. And with summer here, I thought this would be a great recipe to share because you probably have some barbeque chicken breast around and this would be good to use with leftover BBQ Chicken. Here are the ingredients. I'm not putting any measurements on this recipe because you can determine how much to add according to your own taste.

Chopped BBQ chicken (tossed lightly in your favorite BBQ sauce)

Green Onions

Diced tomatoes

Diced cucumber (or jicama)

Black beans (drained)

corn (if using frozen, thaw it. You could also roast it if you like)

Ranch dressing

Place all ingredients in a large bowl and toss. Delicious!

Keys to Happiness: Happiness is a Choice, Part 2

2011-06-27T06:05:00.003-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!
Happiness can be an easy choice to make when viewed from a ‘micro,’ a day-by-day basis. But, what about overall, what about when we look at the big picture, the ‘macro’ level. It’s hard to be happy in the midst of a divorce or an illness or financial difficulties. How do you choose happiness in the face of those large obstacles?

First of all, I’m talking about an overall condition of happiness, not a fleeting mood. Being happy overall doesn’t mean feeling happy all of the time. You can have a happy marriage and still have arguments and moments of frustration with your spouse. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a happy marriage. It means you have a real marriage. This is the kind of happiness I’m talking about.

Here’s my definition of happiness. Happiness is having problems you can manage. People have called that definition pessimistic or depressing, but I call it realistic. If you ask the man or woman on the street if they are happy, they’ll have to think about it. If I asked YOU right now, what would be the first thing that popped into your mind? Usually, it’s something negative. It’s the fact that you can’t sell your house and it’s negatively affecting your finances or your job situation or that health concern.

The first thing to pop into your head is normally that thing you feel is preventing your happiness. “If only…,” you stop and think. “If only I could get out of this debt, then I’d be happy.” “If only my relationship would improve, then I could be happy.” “If this health crisis would work out, I could be happy.”

So we keep happiness at bay, while we wait for that perfect storm of perfect circumstances when everything is exactly as it should be. Most of the time, it never comes. In real life, there is always something that could be better or different. There are things that will change that we wish would stay the same and there are things that stay the same that we wish would change.

Happiness happens in spite of all of those things and it’s still a choice. You do your best to handle the bad while you appreciate and take pleasure in the things that are good. You live in the present and enjoy the moment without getting overwhelmed with thoughts of the future or focusing on the regrets of the past. You see the glass as half full instead of half empty or complaining that it isn’t a full glass.

It Shouldn't Matter ... But It Does

2011-06-23T06:05:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, as I was walking my dog, I approached two young men who had recently moved onto my street. One had on a white tank top and a pair of long baggy shorts that hung low revealing the gray plaid boxers he wore beneath them.

I didn’t know if I should have recoiled in horror or laughed out loud at what happened next. As I approached them, the young man’s shorts begin to slowly slide down the sides of his skinny frame. They glided passed his butt and down his thighs. They went as far as his knees before he casual pulled them up.

I had never seen this kid before. I didn’t know him. He didn’t know me. Yet, he felt perfectly comfortable revealing his undergarments in their entirety right in front of me, a stranger, and anyone else who happened to be passing by.

To me, it wasn’t cool. It wasn’t cute and it definitely wasn’t sexy! In my eyes, he looked foolish and sad. While volunteering at a local job readiness program, I’d met countless men like him. Men in their teens and 20’s (sometimes older) who didn’t own a decent pair of pants and in some cases didn’t know what size they actually wore.

Unable to find work, the frustration these men feel is real. They would say to me, “What I wear shouldn’t matter.” Maybe it wouldn’t in a perfect world; but this is not a perfect world. We live on Earth and not in Utopia.

All of us are guilty of pre-judging someone … especially based on appearance. It might not be fair but it’s true. Until we as a people learn to judge people solely by the content of their character, we’ll have to deal with this unpleasant reality. How we look matters. How we carry ourselves makes a difference.

I’m not saying that we should all run out and get break the bank on designer clothes but we should take pride in our appearance and realize when it does play a role. If my new neighbor and those looking for work must wear their pants low and expose their underwear (and I personally wish they wouldn’t), they should recognize that there is a time and place for that outfit and it isn’t on the job or at a job interview. They will be pre-judged.

I’ll even take it a step further. Our outlook about ourselves change when our appearance changes. After battling a long illness, many female patients on the road to recovery will ask for a tube of lipstick. They start to care about their appearance again. Since they have begun to feel better, they want to look better too.

People who work from home are often advised to ‘dress’ for work. Maybe they don’t have to adhere to a strict dress code but they should at least get out of their PJs! Why? Appearance affects mood and dressing for work helps make a mental distinction between the personal and the professional, between work and home.

The outside doesn’t matter nearly as much as who we are on the inside; but that doesn’t mean that the outside doesn’t matter at all.

Keys to Happiness: It's a Choice, Part 1

2011-06-20T06:05:00.004-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

My mornings run pretty smoothly. Since it’s just me and the dog, there isn’t a lot that can get in my way in the morning. I get up work out, walk the dog, get dressed and head out the door. However, there are times when everything does not go as smoothly as planned.

A few months ago, I had a particularly bad start, Murphy and his darned law must have been hovering over my shoulder. I walked the dog and as I was picking up after him, I stepped in something that another pet owner had left behind (gross!). After I handled the messy shoes, I went to fix my morning coffee and knocked the entire travel mug over sending coffee spilling all over the counter top and the floor. Well, now I’m running late; so it’s inevitable that I would run into traffic!

As I sat in traffic, I called my boss and let her know I was running late. Next, I put on some music and called a friend who I knew was also on her way to work. We agreed that days that start off that bad have to get better. We didn’t project that the day was going to get worse.

When I got to work, I decided to be grateful that I got there in one piece. With the day I was having, it could have been worse.

Finally, when I walked through those doors, I visualized putting the bad things behind me and leaving them out there in the parking lot. Our moods are close to us, so close in fact, that it can be hard to change them, but it’s worth the effort. I ended up having a good day that day and I think it’s because I made the choice to have a better day.

So here are some tips for choosing happiness.

1. Realize that bad days and silly circumstances happen. Take a deep breath and move on. I was on a schedule and I didn’t have time to curse the dog that left the package or to cry over spilled coffee. When I felt the frustration creeping in, I actually said to myself “Crap happens. Deal with it. Keep it moving!”

2. Prepare for it. In the car, I called my boss and informed her I’d be late. I also called another co-worker and told her I’d be a minute or two late for our meeting. By making those quick calls, I alleviated a lot of worry and stress.

3. Find the humor in it. Can you believe I actually stepped in poop while going to pick up some poop? My friend and I had a good laugh about it on the phone.

4. Resist the urge to make things worse. “Why do these things always happen to me?” “Nothing ever goes right!” This is going to be a terrible day!” All of those kinds of statements just make a bad situation that much worse.

5. Use some mood changers. No not drugs and alcohol! LOL! By playing music I enjoyed in the car and calling an even-tempered friend, I diffused what could have been a bad situation.

You have a choice and you can choose to be happy. Sometimes you might choose to feel frustration or anger or sadness. That’s fine … as long as you recognize that the choice is yours!

Beam Me Up Scotty!

2011-06-16T06:05:00.000-04:00

I remember watching Star Trek as a child. The relationship between Spock and Kirk was an interesting one. As a Vulcan (half Vulcan to be correct), Dr. Spock could be completely logical. His worldview didn’t include emotion or feeling or desire - all of the things that seemed to fuel Captain Kirk.

It’s easy to forget that people are not computers. We are motivated by emotion. Our responses are often based on our feelings. We follow our instincts. We need more than reason and logic to get by.

Recently, I read an article about declining morale in the American workplace. Since the recession began, employees have often been blindsided by layoffs and firings; living on less in the wake of salary freezes and decreases in benefits (or higher benefit prices); grieving the loss of co-workers while absorbing their workloads.

What I found incredible were the comments of a few business owners and managers. They said that these employees should stop whining and be ‘grateful’ that they have a job and a paycheck. That’s the Vulcan response. Logically, a job and a paycheck should be enough.

We all need to recognize our humanity. Employers aren’t hiring robots or Vulcans. They are hiring good old human beings who have good and bad days, likes and dislikes. And it goes beyond the workplace. Kids have tantrums. Adults gripe, sulk or get angry. Spouses, friends and family members disagree and hurt each other’s feelings. None of us are perfect. None of us are cold, calculating machines. Heck, we are who we are and that’s what makes life interesting.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to be cold, calculating and completely logical. I like my quirks, my moods and my emotions. I can be angry, depressed or disappointed but I can also be happy, content and hopeful. You cannot have one without the other and I gladly endure the bad stuff because the good stuff is right there with it.

Keys to Happiness: No Catastrophizing

2011-06-13T06:05:00.006-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Catastrophizing? Think of a small snowball at the top of a mountain. As it rolls down, it picks up more snow and gets bigger. As it rolls, it also gets faster as it picks up momentum. Soon the snowball is huge as it barreling towards the bottom of the mountain at a break-neck pace.

Now, imagine a bad day at work. Your boss is not happy with something you submitted. It wasn't what he was looking for at all. You leave the meeting, shaken. Even though he sat down with you, told you what was wrong, how to fix it and gave you a few days to get it together, you are lost in thought as you drive home.

What will happen if you can't fix the report. What if you lose your job? In this economy, what will happen if you can't find another one? You only have so much in savings and your whole household budget is based on two incomes. Money is already a stressor at home. By your calculations, your saving will be depleted in three months.

What then? You might lose your house. Maybe you'll lose your marriage. As you pull into the driveway, you imagine you and the kids checking into a homeless shelter.

That's catastrophizing. A bad report (a snowball) spiraled into divorce and homelessness (a major snow boulder!). Catastrophizing is how we use our vivid imaginations to make bad things worse ... and before they even happen.

The best way to handle catastrophizing is to place your focus back on the original problem. The commute home from work would have been better spent reviewing the boss's suggestions. What can you do differently? Is there anyone who can help? Can you shift your schedule around so you can go in earlier or stay later? What can you do the next time to make sure you understand exactly what he's looking for. These are the kinds of questions that will empower you and not derail you.

If you find that snowball getting bigger, stop and question it. What are the chances of you really losing your job over this? Will your spouse really leave you? Do you think you'll actually end up in a homeless shelter?

Think of your imagination as you would electricity. It can illuminate a city or power an electric chair. The electircity hasn't changed. It's the application that is dramatically different. Let your imagination be a tool for good, a tool that empowers and motivates. Let it light up your life.

And by all means, keep your snowballs small!

Seizing the Day ... for Couples

2011-06-09T06:05:00.024-04:00

A commenter recently asked me an interesting question. She asked, "Any suggestions for your readers who try to seize the day, but their partners don't? How can they make changes in their relationship with the person they love if that person refuses to move forward?"

I would say to seize it anyway. It could be that your partner doesn't think that seizing the day would be worth the effort. Maybe he (or she) thinks enjoyment takes time away from meaningful work. But do what you need to do for you and it's entirely possible that your spouse may come around.

Once he sees how the benefits of seizing and enjoying the day are working for you, he may be willing to give it a try. Like it or not, people are always watching us. Living our truth is the best proof. If you talk about seizing the day but spend that day griping and complaining then those actions, and not your words, will be what people see. If your partner sees you enjoying yourself and really living your words, they might decide to join in.

Involve them in your activities. Find things that you both enjoy and can indulge in together. It's hard to get a guy to go to a chick flick. While that might be your idea of fun, to him, it would be more akin to a seizure than actually seizing the day! LOL! Share in an experience that both of you want to experience together.

Consider his concerns. Maybe he thinks that seizing the day is too time-consuming or expensive. Show him how to seize a few hours instead of a whole day or how to seize the day on a budget.

But. ...

If he doesn't join you, that doesn't mean that you should give up on seizing the day for yourself. Don't let someone else's sour attitude sour yours. Find some ways to seize the day on your own or with other friends or family. Of course we want to experience the best things in life with our partners, but just because they aren't on board doesn't mean you need to jump ship. Your happiness and your peace of mind (and even your health) are at stake and you shouldn't sacrifice those for anyone.

Keys to Happiness: Realistic Expectations

2011-06-06T06:05:00.002-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Several years after I had graduated from college, I was part of a career fair where I discussed a career in radio. When I asked the teens what kind of radio career they wanted, many had the same answer. They wanted to dee jay at a top station in New York.

When I pressed them further, I found their career plans to be rather straight-forward. Attend college. Work at the college radio station. Graduate. Move to New York City and be the morning drive deejay at a popular radio station.

Truthfully, I told them they'd have to work up to working in New York - the number one radio market in the country. Truthfully, they'd have to start in smaller markets, gain experience and hone their crafts before making it to The Big Time.

Some were discouraged, thinking that all that work sounded hard and not much fun. Others were determined they'd be the exception.

My intent was not to discourage, dissuade or detour anyone but to create realistic expectations. Realistic expectations are an antidote to frustration. Truthfully, most success takes time and realistic expectations allow you to buckle down for a long ride.

They also give you milestones you can get excited about. These smaller, more achievable goals make happiness and excitement possible. Happiness comes in savoring the steps and small victories on the pathway to success.

Whether your goal is losing weight, saving money, going back to school, getting married, going on the trip of a lifetime, or dominating the airwaves in the Big Apple, the first key to your success and happiness around that subject is to set realistic expectations.

Ask any overnight success and he'll tell you that success happened over many nights!

Keys to Happiness: Seize the Day!

2011-05-30T06:05:00.003-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Every day is a new day. It's an opportunity to learn something new, see something you have never seen or do something you've never done. You aren't promised another one, so treat every day as if it's your last.

Of course, every day won't be a completely life-altering event, but every day can move you closer to your goals, bring you closer to your loved ones or teach you something new. Opportunity abounds, we just have to take advantage of it.

What are you doing with your day? If your days all blend together in a haze of monotony, it's time for a change. At first it will be hard to battle the inertia, but once you get started, it will get easier.

Make a little time every day to talk to your kids and your partner. Have a real conversation - that means you talk and you listen. And "Nothing" isn't an acceptable answer to what you did today. If your days aren't that exciting, talk about something else: a television show, an upcoming event, a family issue, or current events. Make time to learn about one another, and when possible, laugh a little together.

Are you making daily progress towards your goals? If you want to write the Great American Novel, do something today that moves you closer to that goal. Write a page or two. Research your topic. Start looking into publishers. Just do something!

Are you creating memories? Again, everyday won't be memorable, but you'll be surprised at what people (especially kids) remember. I had a long talk with my dad a while ago. He apologized for working so much when I was a kid and not spending enough time with me.

The funny thing was I didn't remember it that way. I told him about the time he crawled under the kitchen table to get me when I was scared of a bad thunderstorm. I told him story after story about our summer trips to Georgia. I told him about watching he and my mom hand dance and how he would grab me and tried to teach me how to do it. Those were things he had forgotten, but they meant the world to me. You never know when memories are being created.

Today is your day. Savor it. Enjoy it. Make the most of it.

Walk then Run

2011-05-26T06:05:00.004-04:00

The road to weight loss for me has not been an easy one. So, recently I decided to add a running program to my weight loss plan. Now this is a huge deal for me. I have not run since my 10th grade gym teacher made me run a mile to pass gym (and I was sick that day). Since then, the only things I run are bath water and my mouth! I don’t run for the bus, I’ve never run for office. Run, for me, should be runn because it's definitely a four letter word!

So I went online and looked up a walk-to-run program. Over 10 weeks, you start with short intervals of running (jogging) followed by time walking. During the program, each week, you increase your run time and decrease your walk time. At the end of the 10 weeks, you’re running 20 minutes without stopping. Since I’m not really ready to walk/run outside, I decided to start with my treadmill first while I build up some endurance.

I called a good friend of mine and shared with her my excitement about my new plan. My friend, a former runner immediately jumped in and tried to help. She wanted to know how fast I’d be running. She didn’t really see the point of all those intervals. She suggested I start running outside because that’s better than running on a treadmill. There were tons of things I needed to do or hadn’t considered. It was sort of overwhelming.

All of the sudden, I wasn’t excited anymore. As I felt my enthusiasm waning, I stopped myself and then I stopped her. I told her I appreciated her help and her advice. And I’m sure she’s probably right about everything BUT …

I just want to get started.

Sure there might be better, more technical ways to begin but this was my way and as I see it, some running is better than no running. Running (or jogging) faster than I would walk is a good thing. As my confidence grows, I’ll venture outside, but right now, as a struggle through running for 30 seconds before stopping, I would feel too self-conscious to run past neighbors or at the gym. I don’t want perfection, I just want a start.

She understood and I told her that I would be seeking her advice or even a running buddy on down the line but right now I just needed to begin.

My victory isn’t in running flawlessly, my victory is in running at all.

Keys to Happiness: Finding the Humor

2011-05-23T06:05:00.001-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

I'm a big proponent of humor. Of course, there are times to be serious, but there are just as many times when a light approach - with yourself and others - goes a long way.

There is good humor (not the ice cream!) and not-so-good humor. Good humor seeks to find common bonds and it never hurts. The other humor is offensive and often painful. Humor at the expense of others is not what I'm talking about.

I enjoy a good sit-com, a funny movie or a well-told joke but it goes beyond that. Out of college, I worked for a temp agency and had a lot of ridiculous jobs. It was frustrating, but I also knew it was funny. One job stuck out in particular. Here I was a very recent college grad, working as Santa's Helper, complete with elf hat and shoes (with bells on them!). Every morning I looked in the mirror, I had to laugh.

Meanwhile, I kept looking for work; the Santa's Helper gig paid my bills in the meantime. I knew one day, I would look back and laugh (even harder than I did at the time) at the whole experience. The experience was a memorable one and as I look back on it, the frustration has faded, but the funny remains!

We had an ice storm a few months ago and as a dog owner, I have to go outside no matter what. So Marty and I ventured out that cold and icy morning. I had to laugh as I watched him try to keep from slipping as he tried to 'do his business.' Of course, moments later, the joke was on me, as I started slipping and sliding on the ice. I laughed out loud and I'm sure my neighbors thought I was crazy, but that's okay. I'm sure if Marty could laugh, he's have been right there laughing with me (or at least at me).

My point is that every day, there are opportunities for laughter, especially if you have kids. Start seeking those out. The great part about it is the more you seek out humor, the easier it is it find.

Words of Wisdom

2011-05-19T06:05:00.022-04:00

Graduation season is upon us. As students (high school and college) prepare to close one door and walk boldly through another, oftten celebrities are on hand to offer their words of wisdom. Actors, musicians, authors, politicians and comedians who have succeeded in their professions often have some good advice to share. Here are just a few excerpts from past graduation addresses.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma—which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."
- Steve Jobs, Standford, 2005

"I think people will remember us for who we were, not how many records we sell, or how much money we make. Because I have always said that I have always counted my blessings far more often than I've counted my money."
- Dolly Parton, University of Tennessee, 2009

""We do not need magic to change the world; we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: We have the power to imagine better."
- J.K. Rowling, Harvard, 2008

"Wishing for the end to AIDS and extreme poverty in Africa is like wishing that gravity didn't make things so damn heavy. We can wish it, but what the hell can we do about it? Well, more than we think. We can't fix every problem … but the ones we can, we must."
- Bono, University of Pennsylvania, 2004

"You are about to enter the next phase of your life at a time of great uncertainty. You will be called upon to help restore a free market that is also fair to all who are willing to work; to seek new sources of energy that can save our planet; to give future generations the same chance that you had to receive an extraordinary education."
- Barack Obama, Norte Dame, 2009

"For in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet, we all breathe the same air, we all cherish our children's futures, and we are all mortal."
- John F. Kennedy, American University, 1963

"Life is like one big Mardi Gras, but instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you'll have more beads than you know what do with."
- Ellen DeGeneres, Tulane University, 2009

"A good person means someone with a good heart, a sense of caring for the welfare of others, a sense of commitment, a sense of responsibility. Education and the warm heart, the compassion heart—if you combine these two, then your education and knowledge will be constructive. Then you are yourself on the way to becoming a happy person."
- Dalai Lama, Emory Univeristy, 1998

Keys to Happiness: The Attitude of Gratitude

2011-05-16T06:05:00.005-04:00

Forget your troubles come on get happy! For this six week series, we'll discover some of the keys to happiness!

Happiness grows out of a grateful heart. Think of happiness as a beautiful plant. If you want that plant to grow and thrive, would you place it in rich soil or a pot full of sand? Better yet, would you plant it in a bed of rocks. Would you water it with water or Coke?

If you chose to plant your seeds in a bed of rocks and water it faithfully with Coke, would you be surprised when your plant didn't grow?

Often times we plant the seed for happiness in a bed of negativity and we water it with our complaints, disappointments and frustrations. We wonder why we aren't happier or why things aren't working out as we would like them to when the truth of the matter is that our happiness never had a chance.

In order for that seed to thrive, we need to plant it in the rich soil of gratitude. It starts by being thankful for what we have right now. When I look around, I don't have everything I want ... yet ... but I do have a wonderful friends and family, a job I like, a home I love, a car I enjoy driving and, let's not forget, I'm the proud owner of Marty, America's Favorite Pooch.

I could make an equally long list of all the things I'd like to have, be and do but what would be the point? Focusing on the lack and limitation in my life will just bring more lack and limitation in the long run and more frustration and unhappiness in the short run.

Happiness is a choice and I choose to focus on what is going right more than I focus on what's going wrong.

Get into the habit of being grateful. Buy a small notebook and challenge yourself everyday to come up with at least 20 things you are grateful for. It should include big things like family and friends but it should also include a lot of things you might normally overlook: a beautiful sunrise, the ability to see a beautiful sunrise, a tasty grilled chicken salad you had for lunch, light traffic on your way to work, music, ... There are tons of things to be grateful for.

Take a few minutes each day to work on developing an attitude of gratitude. You won't be sorry!

Investor Beware!

2011-05-12T06:05:00.001-04:00

If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. What happens when the wrong words come out of the right mouth? What do you do when you are listening to someone you respect or trust? We don’t want to believe someone like that would steer us wrong and maybe that isn’t there intention. However, before you invest your time or money into something, it makes sense to check it out yourself. Regardless of who the messenger is, do your homework on the message itself.

Where is this coming from? I enjoy a variety of perspectives, so, throughout the day, I listen to several talk radio shows ranging from the ultra-liberal to the conservative. One of the hosts I listen to however is playing a dangerous game with his listeners and their hard-earned cash. He is encouraging them to invest in ‘franchises’ with small donations (at least $500) donated through PayPal. He strongly suggests that listeners file for bankruptcy through a company he is affiliated with. Last week on his show he had someone from a payday lender extolling the virtues of payday loans.

Never is there a dissenting position or an alternate point of view. In fact, anyone who doesn’t agree with this charlatan is chided as being against the poor or being a hater (a word I hate). Listen to him and he will assure you that his motives are pure and altruistic. He has nothing but his listeners’ best interest in heart. Maybe he does; but then again...

I fail to see how paying fees between $10 and $100 at interest rates between 266% - 366% on a small loan ($1,200 and less) helps a person who is struggling (I googled this information in about a minute). Likewise, investing in a ‘franchise’ that has a spotty success record with a group of people you don’t know doesn’t sound financially prudent to me (couldn’t find any information about this franchise opportunity online). If after doing their own fact checking someone decides that bankruptcy is a good idea or that this is the investment opportunity for them, then fine.

However, a decision should never be made based on the personality of the messenger or the content of their overall message. A little research and investigation doesn’t mean you are ‘against’ someone. In fact, people who are legitimate in their offerings will, in many cases, encourage you to investigate them. They know they are on the up-and-up. If someone doesn’t want you to look into their business or background, that, to me, is a bright red flag.

Radio show hosts, family members, slick salesmen, they may all have great ideas or business opportunities but trust yourself and your instincts. Only you know if something is right for you. Have the wherewithal to gather the facts. Have the courage to say no, if that is the best answer for you.

When it comes to your precious time, you can never get that back once it’s gone. While you might be able to get your money back, it usually takes a lot longer and a lot more effort to recoup your losses than it took to earn the money in the first place.

Keys to Success: Excellence through Resilience

2011-05-09T06:05:00.009-04:00

In this six week series, each Monday, we'll be exploring what it takes to succeed.

I like the word resilience because it sounds like brilliance. Who doesn't want to be brilliant or shine brilliantly? Stars (the ones in the sky and not the ones in the tabloids) are naturally brilliant but for us humans, we don't achieve brilliance without a lot of resilience.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back after failures, setbacks, defeats and discouragements. Think of success as a buried treasure. To get to that treasure, you have to dig, and digging is hard work. However, as you dig, it's not uncommon to come across tree roots, unexpected water, maybe even animals who burrow under the ground. If you want to get to your treasure, you have to get around those obstacles.

I didn't start having any success at all in my weight loss until I developed some resiliency. At first, every misstep: doughnuts at work, indulging too much while eating out, a cold that kept me from working out for a couple days, was enough to knock me completely off track. I'd have to stop the diet and start again ... later ... much later.

I was looking for perfection and when I didn't get it, I'd quit, vowing to be perfect the next time. Well, the next time would come later and later and in the meantime, I kept gaining weight. Then I changed.

I said to myself, "Mistakes happen. Deal with them."

So if I ate the glazed donut at work, I ate lighter at dinner. If I didn't exercise for a few days, fine, as soon as I felt better I did. If I fell off track, instead of staying off track, I got back on track at the very next meal. Not only did I feel better about myself. I started losing weight.

I've built setbacks into the process and found ways to work around them and it made all of the difference. Finally, I've started to lose a few pounds. Resilience has been the key to my brilliance and I feel great!

Here's one of my favorite videos. If you've ever failed, you are in great company!

The Time Tale

2011-05-05T06:05:00.007-04:00

One day a woman Tessa attended a motivational seminar for work. One of the exercises asked her to list the things that mattered most to her. For Tessa this was easy. She quickly jotted a few things down. At the top of her list were: God, family, health and her writing. She felt proud as she put her pen down. "I know what is truly important," she thought to herself.

Next the facilitator asked her to think about how much time and attention she gave to the items her list.

Of course God was important, but she hadn't attended church in ages or even cracked open her Bible since she didn't know when. She meant to carve out prayer time in the morning, but how could she get up any earlier? Her days were packed and at night she was just too tired.

Surely she'd fare better with family. "Did time spent shuttling the kids back and forth count?" someone asked jokingly. He said only if it was quality time. If everyone was listening to iPods, texting and talking on phones then it didn't count.

This cut the time Tessa spent with the kids in half. She didn't even want to think about how much quality time she spend with the hubs. Date night was a nice concept, but that was about it.

Now, she cringed as she thought about exercising (which she rarely did) and eating right (a Snickers for lunch might satisfy but it's not actually healthy).

Writing was something she always planned to do when there was time, and there never was time.
Now Tessa was discouraged. She had a full-time job. She had kids to raise. She had other obligations. She'd seen the movie Eat Pray Love but who has months at a time to devote to spirituality and love? Definitely not her!

However, as the facilitator continued, the amount of time was less important than the quality of time and the fact that she made time for these things at all that was most important. She could make a lot of little changes to accomodate the things that she valued. She left the seminar vowing to do just that.

A month later, she had made some significant changes.

God:

She got some inspirational books on CD and started listening to them on her commute to work.
She found a bible study that was close by that she could attend once a week.
She and her family started attending church more often.

Family:

Although they objected at first, she made some of their car time (some, not all), talk time and not iPod/gaming/texting time.
She worked out a babysitting schedule with another couple so they both could get a date night once a month.
She and the hubs tried to find at least a few things that they could do together as a family (like brunch after church) or even watching a favorite TV show together.

Health

She started planning her meals which made dinner at home healthier for everyone.
Sometimes she'd pack her lunch and other times she'd go to the cafe in the building and make better choices.
She started taking short walks in the evening (and sometimes even during lunch at work). Her daughter often accompanied her so it served as family time too.

Writing

She started keeping a journal and jotting her thoughts down in the evening before bed.
She's even thinking of blogging.

The great thing about these changes is that they were small, doable changes. They didn't require a lot of time. Although they took some effort - planning meals, arranging date night - most of the planning took just a few minutes.

When Tessa looked over her month, she could not only see the changes she'd made but she felt she was living a life where she made time for what mattered most.

Keys to Success: Integrity

2011-05-02T06:05:00.003-04:00

In this six week series, each Monday, we'll be exploring what it takes to succeed.

I volunteer and I had the opportunity to talk to some teenagers. I mentioned the word ‘integrity’ and most of the junior and senior high school students had no idea what I was talking about. It was scary and it was sad. To me, integrity is critical in success, but on a larger scale, it’s critical to just being a decent person.

The dictionary says it’s adherence to moral principles or honesty, trust. I agree with that but in practice I’d take it one step further. Basically, you do what you say you’re going to do when you say you are going to do it. If you can’t, you own up to it. You don’t cover up your mistakes. You don’t point the finger of blame. You are, to go back to the definition, honest.

In retrospect, it isn’t surprising that kids aren’t that familiar with integrity. As adults, a lot of us aren’t too good at acting with integrity either. We complain and blame. We sometimes trade honesty for expediency and the right thing for the more lucrative thing.

Kids see what we do and we pay for the consequences of what we do in one way or the other.

If you want to be successful, then you want to be a person people can count on. You want to be the person who does exactly what they say they will do. As a parent, as a worker, as a business owner, you build relationships by being a people person but also by having integrity.

A people person with no integrity is a scam artist.
A people person with integrity is unstoppable.

Little Things Mean a Lot

2011-04-28T06:05:00.004-04:00

My mother died of complications from diabetes when I was fifteen. She spent the last two years of her life in and out of the hospital and she also lost her sight. I learned a number of lessons from that experience. One, we are not promised even one more day. Two, bad things happen to good people and we may never know why. Three, life is short and we have to live life now because later may never come. Finally, what I want to write about today, I learned to have an appreciation for the little things.

Every day, I find something to marvel at: a luminous full moon, a colorful sunrise, a warm, sweet cup of hot tea or (in the summer) an cold glass of iced tea, playing with my dog Marty or just driving with the windows down. One of my happiest moments occurred when I attempted to take a long weekend in Virginia Beach. I went by myself and it was around my birthday ... towards the end of September. The busy season was over but the days were still hot, warm and long. Unfortunately, through a series of unexpected events, I had to cut my trip short and I was devastated. I had really needed the time away.

Before I got into my car and headed back, I decided to take a long walk on the beach. I noticed it getting more and more overcast but I didn't care. I love walking on the beach. So I kept going, feeling the sand between my toes and the water splashing on my feet. I closed my eyes and felt the wind on my face. I took deep breaths of sea air. I felt really good. I found the perfect peace I'd been looking for right before I had to head home!

Anyway, I felt a drop or two of rain on my face. As I turned to look back, I realized that I was far away from my hotel and my car. Not wanting to be a human lightning rod, I decided to walk back via the boardwalk.

As I headed back, the sprinkles became light showers. The light showers gave way to a steady rain. Not long after that, the steady rain became a downpour. Unlike most people, I like rain. I like it a lot. I laughed out loud as I continued to walk outside in the pouring rain while everyone else ran for shelter. I'm sure I looked crazy. I didn't care. I was still enveloped in that perfect peace.

I got to my car soaking wet but it didn't bother me. I knew I created a memory that would last me a lifetime. A memory made up of a million little things.

Keys to Success: Wall Literacy

2011-04-25T06:05:00.003-04:00

In this six week series, each Monday, we'll be exploring what it takes to succeed.

You know the wall. It's the one that has all the writing on it. In order to be successful, you have to know how to read it.

Reading the writing on the wall involves seeing a situation as it is and not how you want it to be. Living in denial and burying your head in the sand show a stunning level of wall illiteracy.

I've seen it happen time and time again where people refuse to see what is happening right before their eyes. Let me give you some examples.

A company was in the midst of some serious layoffs. Although coworkers in his department had been let go, Edward refused to even look for another job. He thought his tenure and his work ethic would be enough. It wasn't.
Elisa's husband has been working late, although his paycheck didn't show any overtime. He got strange texts and calls in the middle of the night and he seemed to be picking fights just so he can storm out of the house and come back late. She was genuinely surprised when she caught her husband with another woman.
Erica ignored her persistent stomach cramps. She blamed it on stress and just kept going. As it got worse, she just took more painkillers to numb the pain. That is until one night when, with a fever and in excruciating pain, she was rushed to the hospital with several peptic ulcers.

The writing on the wall might not be pleasant, in fact, it might be downright painful. Yet reading that writing can empower you. It gives you the information you need (and maybe even the motivation) to do something ... and doing something is the first step to any solution.

And if fear is stopping you from reading the writing on the wall, consider this: As bad as the writing might be, it could be that much worse, if you ignore it. Ignorance isn't always bliss.

Lies We Tell

2011-04-21T06:05:00.004-04:00

According to an iVillage poll, 95% of women responding came clean about telling little harmless white lies. What was shocking to me is that 65% admitted to lying to themselves. What are they lying about? Mainly, these women lie about weight-related issues. They lie about how much they weight or how many calories they’ve consumed.

I don’t actually see the point of lying to yourself about anything but especially about something as concrete as the number staring back at you on the scale or how much you’ve eaten. It’s sort of like lying about what’s in the bank, either it’s there or it isn’t. When it comes to dieting, a realistic approach is essential.

How can you ever improve a situation if you don’t own up to the truth of that situation? Granted, if you feel the need to lie about it, it probably isn’t good. Yet, how can you really make things better if you don’t start with a clear snapshot of what you’re dealing with. The key is to not beat yourself up when you know the truth. Lying about it is temporary at best and will never lead to any improvement. Accept the truth but don’t accept the self flagellation and harsh words that usually come with it.

Your mantra should be “Now that I know the truth, I can deal with it.” Remember the first step to solving any problem is looking at that problem as exactly what it is. Once you’ve done that, you’re in a position to do something about it … and that’s when the real fun begins.

Keys to Success: Be a People Person

2011-04-18T06:05:00.003-04:00

In this six week series, each Monday, we'll be exploring what it takes to succeed.

When I sat down and thought about what my version of the keys to success would be, I almost didn’t include this one. After all, we all know people who have achieved some level of success, from mid-level management to multi-millionaire status, who do not have people skills. Heck, some of them don’t seem to even like people.

However, my keys to success are keys to holistic success. In other words, my definition of success involves more than the net on a paycheck or the title on an office door. My definition of success includes those things but also includes strong and healthy relationships as well (with yourself and others). As far as my definition goes, being a people person makes a difference.

Being a people person means you truly show an interest and concern about other people. It starts with a genuine respect. I remember being a snotty middle schooler and thinking I was better than some of the kids at my school. My father set me straight real quick. “We are all on this Earth together,” he told me, “and we all have value and something to contribute.”

So I’m as cordial and polite and friendly to the receptionist as I am to the CEO. And there are times when that friendliness to the little people really pays off. I have a friend who’s a recruiter and she routinely asks the receptionist for her opinion of a job candidate. There have been times when her input has played a critical role in picking between two close candidates.

You see, everyone knows to be nice and pleasant to the interviewer, not everyone knows to be just as nice and pleasant to the receptionist. The receptionist test is a good way to separate the phonies from the real deals.

It starts with respect but it ends in genuine interest. My co-worker is a scuba diver. I’ve never known a scuba diver before! Another co-worker is a state ping-pong champion. I don’t share either interest, but it’s fascinating to hear about both. Another shares my passion for movies and one more shares my twisted sense of humor.

Bonding with them might never help get me ahead, but you never know. What I do know is that bonding with my co-workers makes my days go faster and my work a lot easier. And going to work to a job I enjoy and working with people I like is definitely part of my definition of success.

The Person You Need to Forgive

2011-04-14T06:05:00.061-04:00

"To err is human. To forgive is divine."

Forgiveness is divinebecause it asks us to do something that is virtually impossible for us mere mortals. I'm suppose to forgive the people who wronged me? I'm supposed to just let it go? Forgiveness is hard because many times we feel (and actually are) entitled to our rage, hurt and pain. Feeling that rage, hurt and pain can feel good, but for how long?

After a while unforgiveness and the feelings it causes can consume us. It can make us sick. It can ruin our relationships or even prevent us from having healthy relationships. There are consequences for not forgiving.

What happens though when the person you have to forgive is you? How do you forgive yourself? Before I answer that, I should backtrack and tell you the what and the why of self-forgiveness.

Forgive yourself for what? Good question. You are forgiving yourself for mistakes, missteps and missing the mark. If you are beating yourself up about it, if you are drowning in a sea of 'what ifs' over something, if you are besieged with negative self-talk and thoughts about a certain situation, then you need to forgive yourself. Mistakes happen. Some times you let yourself down. Other times you do the best you can with the information and instincts you have only to find out later there was another way. It's okay. You have to learn what you can from those situations and let it go.

Why forgive? If you don't forgive yourself, you'll find that these past transgressions will keep you locked in a holding pattern, unable to move forward or stuck making the same mistakes over again. The negative emotions associated with not forgiving yourself will manifest somehow. No matter how you try to push those feelings down, they will come to the surface in some shape or fashion, usually at the wrong time or directed at the wrong person.

So how do you forgive yourself. There are different ways to do it, here is what has worked for me.

Think about what you need to forgive yourself for. Focus on one issue at a time.
Spend some time in meditation addressing the issue: why did you do (or not do) what you did; what can you learn from that mistake; who were you at the time you made the error and how have you grown and changed?
Apologize to yourself for your mistakes.
Recount all of the things you have learned from this situation. What positives can you take away from what has happened? What won't you do again? What will you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?
Develop some affirmations or statements you can use when you start to feel that unforgiveness again.

Keep in mind this is a process, it takes time. You will probably need to do it more than once, but it is worth the effort.

Forgiveness is a part of love. To love yourself fully you must forgive yourself fully.

Keys to Success: Work Hard, Work Smart

2011-04-11T06:05:00.004-04:00

In this six week series, each Monday, we'll be exploring what it takes to succeed.

A lot of people say you have to work smart, and not hard. I say you have to be prepared to do both.

Working hard, to me anyway, means working in a way that is focused and direct. It doesn't necessarily mean putting in 60+ hours a week (although it might). However, working hard means that you are working. You are focused on the job at hand and not over-socializing, engaging in hours of busy work or spending time on the things you enjoy working on while ignoring the things you don't like but still need to be done.

When I think of working smart, I think of all of those late night infomercials that try to sell you on some Internet business where you can "Work smart and even earn money while you sleep!" I have yet to see that work. Being 'smart' about your work means you are as concerned about how you do you work as you are about what you are doing.

Working smart means making the most of your time and efforts. It means spending the majority of your time on activities that will yield results. It means planning. It means setting realistic goals and deadlines. For example, if I'm working on a project that has a firm deadline, I set my personal deadline to be at least several days earlier. This way I have time in case the inevitable crisis arises.

It also means using technology to your advantage.For example, I use Outlook for my personal email. Let’s say I’ve just gotten off the phone with someone and I want to send them a reminder of our conversation tomorrow. I don’t wait until tomorrow to send the email, I go into Outlook, create the email and use the delayed send feature so it doesn’t leave my outbox until the designated time.

With the advent of smart phones and I-Pads and laptops, you can create your own system for reminders and to-dos. You can also keep important information right at your fingertips. Now that’s working smart.

So what techniques do you use to work smarter?